a cOmmOn ThrEad

whats that saying, old habits die hard? maybe thats not it but i think its something along those lines. anyways, ive rediscovered a common theme in my life that goes back awhile yet hasnt sufaced in quite sometime. i may have mistaken it to have disappeared completely, but i now know that it is still alive and kicking, it just needs the perfect circumstances to emerge. this is the deal...ive got this class that is consuming to me. i hate it like ive never hated anything before. id go into the reasons why, but i dont think they'd even do justice to the amount of detest i hold inside for this particular class. its completely dreadful. did you pick up on the fact that i dont like this class? it got to the point on thursday that i called my academic advisor wanting to drop it. id rather have dropped it, maintaing my gpa and foregoing the blood and sweat that this class entails as opposed to sticking it out and failing it. on thursday, i saw these as my only two options. after being advised by my advisor (fancy how that works out) to at least stick it out through the midterm to see if i can maybe at least pass it, i decided id give it a good effort. i got a tutor and i studied as much as ive ever studied (i think) for a math class. math is hard to study for. anyways, i gave it my best knowing that if i did indeed flunk it, i wouldn't have any regrets for i had tried. and then i got people to pray, specifically for a c. id have been happy with that. and so finally, the midterm day arrived. it was today as a matter of fact. and so it was taken and the results tallied. the specific grade is not important, lets just suffice it to say that i surprised myself at the result which was substantially higher then even the c i and others had been praying for. i was shocked and a little embaressed that my stress level had been as high as it had been considering i obviously wasnt in as bad of shape as id perceieved. and then i realized the habit i spoke of earlier had once again reered its ugly head. let me insert another saying here, actually another saying im a little unsure of...when the going gets tough, the tough get going. is that it? something close? anyways, the saying is an illustration of everything im not. when things get tough, im out, or at least want out. id not go so far as to consider myself a quitter, and yet i guess without the support of others at times, i would be alot. i tend to want to bail when things (particulary school..) get hard and i get this perception that im not smart enough or i simply cant do the work that it entails. this is a pattern thats been quite apparent for the last 20 years or so of my life. i thought id conquered it, but as this latest class has proven, the tendency is indeed still there. maybe conquering it simply involves discerning it....which in this case would mean its been conquered? or perhaps i just need to get some sleep...:)

GoOd tO gO

well then, what a difference a week makes. Joey and i are now proudly a part of the "official" Grandview Heights community even going so far as to have obtained official pool passes for the fast-approaching summertime season. a week ago, i was going to bed only to lay there ruminating on all of the things i had yet to do in regards to moving, schooling, parenting, working, etc. tonight, i am able to officially check off the moving section of my TO DO list. this weekend, i had moments where i wasnt so sure that id ever be able to check it off. oh, i had a stellar crew on board making the physical transition from fairview ave to oxley rd a reality. they were workhorses and perhaps made record time in moving all of my belongings from here to there, or vice versa. and yet as the crew diminished i felt this impending heaviness sinking down as i realized the amount of work encompassing the whole unpacking aspect of moving. i thought the hard part was over, and in reality it was, but then the whole woe is me, ive gotta face the rest of this alone, thoughts began to consume me and when those are combined with utter physical and emotional exhaustion, the result is a sheer hopelessness. and yet even in this self-imposed misery, i was not forgotten or alone. not in the least bit. as Sunday dawned and i began the day in tears, i received a phone call that let me know help was on the way. friends, or rather family showed up on my doorstep mid-morning offering hugs, help, and hope (sticking with the h theme..). and somehow, they turned hopelessness into hope as my house was transformed from some rooms filled with boxes into a home with (most) things in their rightful places. peace came to me as well as to our new home. i am so thankful for people, for community, for friends who've become family. i am where i am only because of them and because of a loving Father whos orchestrated all of these details accordingly. Thanks famiLY:)

JusT a liTTle sTreSSeD

ive embarked on a rather stressful week and tonight i am feeling it. within the next 120 hours, i must endeavor to work 4 shifts, finish a mid-term as well as the usual cumbersome activities associated with my classes, and last but oh so not least, to move. in reality, i've not felt overloaded until this evening as i attempted to finish up some statistics and realized once again that i am completely underqualified (intelligence-wise) for this course. before that, i was fine, now i feel as if the whole world is caving in, slowly yet ever so surely. may Philippians 4:13, "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" continually be running through my head as the week continues on...

NumeRo 23..c'Est fiNie

ive become quite the bi-linguist of late. actually i think the title of this post combines both Spanish and French, although im not sure of either of the spellings involved. anyhoo..the title will link you back to a little entry i wrote not even a year ago. last april 7 i blogged about one of the things that at this point i might as well consider to be a hobby...moving(i even listed all of my previous re-locations just in case you have doubts on my counts..). oh yes, i am about to embark on number 23. and ive made the decision to be done. ill not go so far as to say im done forever, because one must never make blanket statements when one is unaware of what the future might hold. but i will go so far as to say, barring anything that absolutely necessitates another move, I AM DONE. let this be heard loud and clear. I AM DONE. we'll be in a great school district. the family will not be growing anytime soon to warrent the addition of another bedroom. and besides all of the other legitimate reasons that i could list, it comes down to the fact that im just tired of moving and so i've officially retired from doing it as soon as this last one takes place. please take drastic measures if at this date next year i am re-blogging about this same subject...

eNfeRma

how is it that the common cold which is so very ordinary and so very, well, common, is able to leave a person feeling absolutely miserable. i have no fever. i am not achy. i've got no stomach ailments. yet, i feel like crap. i dont feel like eating. or studying. or moving. and im tired but sleeping does not come easily as i only lay there and think about how very miserable i am and theres not one thing that i can do about it. im whining so at this point, id quit reading if i were you. i feel as though i need to keep going though because perhaps through writing about my pain i will somehow relieve some of the symptoms and thus lighten my misery. id feel much better complaining if i had like strep throat or pneumonia or something that sounds like a bigger deal then just a stupid cold. but i dont and i am still miserable and feel like wallowing in it for a bit...thank you for obliging me. i now am off to bed, or at least off to lay in my bed followed by perhaps some more wallowing:)

DoNt taLk tO Me

i am angry. there are very few things that get me to the point of anger, but i am there. i hate, yes, hate, statistics and everything about it. ive spent 5 hours of my day (literally, 5 freaking hours) trying to finish this stupid assignment for this psyc stats class i have to take and i am bitter and stressed and downright angry. thus, i vent. the way they've set this little class up is not sufficient for people like me who lack any brain cells capable of comprehending anything numerical. i have no teacher. i have no lectures to watch. no powerpoint presentations. nothing. except, that is, for me and a book and its not going well. this is my first objection to the whole ordeal. secondly, i could maybe get by if i could handwrite everything out and send it to the professor but no, ive got to transcribe it onto either word or excel which is great if we're talking words and such. but charts and equations have to be documented and the whole thing is just a headache and hard and ive had it. it will be safe to talk to me again tomorrow. i should be over it by then, although at this point, maybe not...

"qUeeNiE"

i spent the afternoon with the little sis (oh, and the rest of the fam..). she loves me, what can i say, i am probably one of the coolest older sisters around (that is still just wierd, older sister??). anyways, she has been coined "queenie" by my dad. im assuming because at 16 weeks, she rules the house. my nickname given to me by my dad growing up was "sport" in case you were wondering. he must have seen my athletic prowess at an early age...(yea right:) )

WeLL saiD

"I am so easily satisfied

by the call of lovers so less wild

That I would take a little cash

Over your very flesh and blood "

(Derek Webb)

i was listening to this song today and i realized that it is so about my life. actually, id have to go so far as to say that if i had a theme song for my life (that be really cool if we all had theme songs...) this one would be a high candidate to be it. and the irony is that ive tasted at times the goodness of the Body and Blood and i know it to be full of the Goodness and Redemption that it promises, and yet im still enticed by those less wild lovers. and this has led me to an even greater respect for the faithfulness of our God. because i love Joey with everything i have, but when he mouths off for the 5th (or 2nd, if i can be honest) time in the same day, i feel like throwing my hands up in defeat and giving up on him. all i can think is "he'll never learn. its hopeless. blahblahblah" and ive realized that this is exactly how i would think if i were dealing with me. and yet God isn't. He's in fact quite the opposite as He tenderly accepts me back even when i "mouth off" to Him for like the 198th time. it's a faithfulness and a love that im incapable of giving or even comprehending and quite often accepting. His love is good and i keep praying that someday my heart and head will align on this truth and discontinue the search for lovers so less wild...

sErotOniN?

today just had a happy feel to it. everyone was happy. friends. family. neighbors. co-workers. even my dog seemed a little more cheery today, which is hard to believe being that he constantly exudes utter bliss, but i think there was a heightened tone to it today, seriously. perhaps it was b/c the taste of spring that we experienced here in OH. put everyone in a good mood. whatever the reason, i hope it stays. that is, the happiness and the weather.

wHat A WeeK

its only thursday and ive covered about every emotion known to man-kind since sunday ensued. although the spectrum began with despair i am left with joy. The prayer was prayed from Psalm 51:11 "Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me" and the prayer was answered. Albeit the confusing and conflicting emotions it took to get me here, this latest journey has only confirmed the realness of Christ's love and perhaps has even further shown me the reasons and realness of His death. Although the prayer has been cited and the result of it has been real, i still stand confused, or maybe moreso, in awe that joy really can result in what started out as an ever so hopeless situation in seeing (again..)my utter depravity. and then i realize that im awed by the ability of Christ to restore and to heal and to sustain and i realize why joy is again possible..b/c its got nothing to do with me, but everything to do with HiM! another lesson learned (or at least reiterated) is the gravity of the body of Christ. this is not some hypothetical component we're talking about. it is real. it is healing. it is accepting. it is loving. it is strength. it is beautiful. and it is mine and yours if only you let them in. God knew what He was doing when He put this little detail of His plan together and like the rest of the details, its amazing and wonderful. and thus, grace only continues in my life...

oUt Of tHE moUths Of BabEs

last night after i put joey to bed i came downstairs and was just having a rough time. after awhile i heard the patter of little feet and looked up to see joey had reappeared. i couldn't hide the fact that i'd been crying and this was the first thing he noticed. he asked me what was wrong and i told him that i was just hurting because of some sin that i'd committed. he then looked at me in my eyes and said, "but mom, don't you remember that Jesus already hurt for your sins?" theres nothing much that can compare to the Gospel being preached to you by a four year old...

tO beliEve Or nOt To BelieVE???

the time has come (yet again) for me to choose whether to accept the grace that has been so freely given or to deem myself below the depths of its reach. ive screwed up (yet again) in a big way. it was in the kind of way that blows any cover i'd tried to make for myself of being a "good" Christian (although it was just a cover..) and has left me in a position to be viewed as a complete and utter hypocrite. and this is fair. i made a bad decision. i have fallen. and now im left with a choice. i could choose to accept the death of Christ as sufficient for the payment of this newest atrocity i've committed or i could choose to continue to punish myself for a crime thats already been payed for. this is where grace is a hard concept to genuinly believe and receive. it is so good that it hurts. i want to grasp for it again, but i also want to "earn" my way into God's favor. and at that, im not so good at. ive let Him down. i've let myself down. yet i'll let us both down even more if i dont accept the grace in which ive claimed to believe. talk about hypocrisy, the very message that my whole belief system hinges on is a message that i struggle to personally apply towards my own life. of a belief in a hypothetical belief system, i will not be a part of. and so ill choose grace. at least at this moment ill choose grace. i know myself well enough to know inevitably this concept will be wrestled with again and again and yet with the help of those who love me most, i hope that grace will always win out...

i WaNT tO: dETest...

Proverbs 15:9

"The Lord detests the way of the wicked but He loves those who pursue righteousness."

i struggle to align my heart completely with this verse. hypothetically, i concur. yet in reality, im not quite there. dont get me wrong, there is wicked out there that makes me want to puke. the grotesque stuff that you hear on the news and cant get out of your mind. i have no problem detesting those atrocitites. and yet wickedness comes dressed up sometimes. it comes looking like things that dont seem so wicked but instead entice and promise a good time. i want to detest this camo'd wickedness, but my hearts not in it at all times. i pursue righteousness (sometimes) not because i want to but because im called to. down deep, i know that the ways of the wicked won't bring the fulfillment that they seem capable of supplying. in most cases, i know this from past personal experiences. and yet they woo all the same. same empty enticements. same fleeting temptations. same desire to give in on my part. and thus, i yearn to detest. i want to detest these things so that i dont even need to waste time in weighing my options when wickedness rears its tempting cries. yet until this detestment occurs, i will attempt continuing in righteousness even when my heart may yearn (on a surface level) for something else. for this is what we're called to and my guess is that the One who has called us to do so is more then capable of catching a heart up to the head as one seeks to fulfill His will...