tO beliEve Or nOt To BelieVE???

the time has come (yet again) for me to choose whether to accept the grace that has been so freely given or to deem myself below the depths of its reach. ive screwed up (yet again) in a big way. it was in the kind of way that blows any cover i'd tried to make for myself of being a "good" Christian (although it was just a cover..) and has left me in a position to be viewed as a complete and utter hypocrite. and this is fair. i made a bad decision. i have fallen. and now im left with a choice. i could choose to accept the death of Christ as sufficient for the payment of this newest atrocity i've committed or i could choose to continue to punish myself for a crime thats already been payed for. this is where grace is a hard concept to genuinly believe and receive. it is so good that it hurts. i want to grasp for it again, but i also want to "earn" my way into God's favor. and at that, im not so good at. ive let Him down. i've let myself down. yet i'll let us both down even more if i dont accept the grace in which ive claimed to believe. talk about hypocrisy, the very message that my whole belief system hinges on is a message that i struggle to personally apply towards my own life. of a belief in a hypothetical belief system, i will not be a part of. and so ill choose grace. at least at this moment ill choose grace. i know myself well enough to know inevitably this concept will be wrestled with again and again and yet with the help of those who love me most, i hope that grace will always win out...