a FiRSt tiMe fOr evErytHinG

i've experienced something for the first time recently. it's kind of wierd for me, but i like it. alot! ever since i was i dunno, 15, i remember having this panicky feeling anytime that i didn't have a "boyfriend". most of the time, it wasn't even a boyfriend by the traditional definition of one, but just a guy i could hang out with so often that most people considered us together, even if he was a putz and didn't want to be tied to the term boyfriend. at any rate, if there was ever a lapse of time in which there was no male occupying that role for me, that panicky feeling would commence. i'd consider it panicky because when in the midst of those lapses, i'd think it was hopeless, no guy would ever want me,but i was constantly on the lookout for anyone who would, and so with both those thoughts running through my head it turned out to usually have a not so good outcome when i did find a guy. because i was so thrilled that someone did want to be with me, i'd have no criteria for choosing a guy to be. anyways, this has gone on for so long and i was scared about re-experiencing this feeling now. I'd expect someone in my situation to be so thrilled just to be out of a relationship, and yet that panic began to well up inside of me as reality began to set in that i would, again, be alone, and this time with even more baggage. And yet, this was only one more way for God to prove He loves me so much... He's answered another prayer in my life. I've been praying that He would use this time in my life to grab me, and turn me towards only Him in realizing that true protection and joy won't come from a guy. But that He is that, and the only true source of it. And although it wasn't an immediate sense of peace, I've realized the last week that that once apprehensive and scared feeling of never finding anyone that would want me again, has been replaced by a peace and contentment that i have no way to explain but of that "peace that passes all understanding" coming from the One that does love me more then any guy would ever even be capable of. wow, its amazing that God is so encompassing in His provision and love and grace. I'm so happy about where He's got me now. and im alone. im happy alone...thats a first!

aDD sUCkS!!!

this is a picture of the only thing left to do until the moving process is complete. the shoebox as well as the entire green container are full, i mean FULL of papers, bills, mail, what have you that i have yet to file or toss. they have been accruing since i went off medication for add. yea, and here they still sit. i've been done unpacking for over a week. everynight as i put Joey to bed and come down to dig into this paperwork, something happens and its 11 oclock the next time i look at the clock and im beat. what the heck? i dont know what ive done for 3 hours. well i've written a few blog entrys lately so maybe thats taken up some time. but i dont have a boyfriend im wasting hours on the phone with. im not in school because my add ass had to withdraw after completely bottoming out after i quit taking aderall. (oh, i had a couple other things going on too..). there is no good reason why that paperwork still sits. and yet it does. i wish that having an addictive nature(reason i went off the meds:) )included addiction to things that are good for you, like getting bills paid! awww, such is life.

IVe gOne GOth...

ish. i just died my hair black. ok, its not truly black, its like a couple of shades away though. ok, i guess its still considered brown, but its the darkest shade of brown. at least i think it is. but regaurdless, i got out of the shower and looked in the mirror and was like, oh my gosh, im goth now. fun, i've never been gothic before. i need to go buy some black eyeliner and some of those fishnet stockings and i should be good to go. a new stage of life. fun times.
note to reader...i just checked out some pictures of gothic style so i could post one with this entry(what fun is just writing?) and they scared me so badly that ive decided against goth. i will keep the hair color, but im now referring to it as ash brown. i dont want anyone to mistake it for black, because black equals goth and goth equals im freaked out, now.

cAN't bE. CaN It? wHat THe hEcK?

there is no way my dog is getting the best of me. yet an unexplained phenomena took place today, whilst i was away. as i've said, after the first PB incident, Jack was banished forever, well, at least while we weren't home, to the deep dark dungeon of a basement we have. then i noticed he'd come up with a belly full of soot(or dirt, but soot sounds more dungeony). like, the outside of his belly, he hadn't eaten soot so it wasn't on the inside like a typical full belly would be.nevermind. anywhoo, i decided to leave him in my room b/c that way he wouldn't get dirty when we were away and i don't keep food in there so theres nothing he could damage. plus, because i am the sensitive type and sometimes love my dog, he loves to look out the window and bark at every single person who walks by and every person who runs around the track in front of our house. and being the dumb dog that he is (or isnt??..) he barks at the same person running around the track at every lap. but, he enjoys this, and dogs dont get much enjoyment, so i gave in and let him stay in my room upon our departures. so, you know the story of what happened yesterday when i gave Joey the task of closing Jack in and that didn't get done. well, today, i took over the door closing job again. i shut Jack in my room, and made sure the door was as shut as possible(its an old house and the doors don't quite shut as they should, but this door was definently not capable of being opened by a dog, so i thought..). when i pulled into our drive this evening, i looked up and saw Jacks dumb head looking out of my window. good sign, i thought to myself. as we walked in the back door, Jack begins to whine from my room, as is typical for him when hes excited to get out and see us. but, as i glance at the ground, i notice a single pear on the floor. it has a bite mark in it, not made of human teeth, but of some sort of animals. there, beside it, is an empty bag, that had had some delectable gingersnaps i'd been looking forward to partaking in this evening. they had vanished, the empty bag being the only clue that they had even existed at all. and yet jack, he was nowhere to be found downstairs. as i made my way up the stairs, ready to grab his collar and lead him to the door to let him go on his merry little way forever, i turned and saw that my door was still shut and his whining was coming from within. What is this? i pondered, and i continue to ponder. Jack was in my room, the door shut as i had left it. Could it be that he's been getting the best of me these last 4 years and just playing dumb when really he's a dog genious? did he get the door open, come down for a snack, and then return to my room and shut the door behind him? theres no way. but how did this happen? i am perplexed. jack is dumb, i am convinced of this. but then how in the world? this may be left as an unsolved mystery. i hate that, i love answers, but none can come to mind. unless he is smart. and that just can not be....

i sPokE TOo sOon

i want to kill Jack. we left for the grocery (so i had Joey go put him in my room, bad idea b/c apparently he doesn't know how to SHUT the door), got home and the sweet dog of ours freaking ate the jar of peanut butter(oh yea, it was the natural kind with all the oil on top..) on my NEW duvet cover. AHHHH! its in the wash now, so we shall see if we will keep this lovely dog or not once it comes out. this would be the 2nd jar of PB eaten on my bed since we moved here. Thankfully, the oil and everything came out of the blanket soiled from the first round of dog vs. PBjar. stupid dog. im glad i wrote the ode yesterday. i wrote it merely b/c there have been sooo many times where i've just about let Jack out the door to survive on his own, that i knew there'd be another and i wanted some way to remind myself at that time that i loved him, however distant that feeling was at the moment. i don't know if its worked or not, depends on what the oil spot looks like when its done washing. then, and only then will i know whether to ditch the dog or just chalk it up to being dumb, again...

MY pUPpY

i love jack. there really aren't many good reasons why i should. hes a pain in the ass most of the time. but he's my buddy. a good buddy. thats the great thing about dogs. good times, bad times, they're loving you no matter what. and they are pretty easy to forgive. because anything they do that needs forgiven can just be chalked up to being dumb. so it really wasn't their fault. they were just born dumb. but they still love you. this was my ode to jack, the dumbest, yet best dog i've had:)

REdEemeD

its almost Easter. i just unpacked a box with my easter decorations in it and pulled out pastel candy holders, a couple bunny figurines and way too much of that annoying grass that you put into Easter baskets, that stuff gets everywhere and somehow i am still randomly finding it here and there in the house through like the 4th of July. Easter has always been just a day where i usually go to bed with a stomach ache because of too much candy. a day where ive always had to get up early to spend an extra 15 minutes getting ready for church (well, at least until i started going to G.C.). its just been a day i kind of could give or take, the highlight being the new candy my mom had found to put into our baskets. until this year. this year is different. although the candy and bunnies are out on my table, the picture of my redemption is what truly should be portrayed and displayed. this year has been a little snapshot of that redemption. it feels more like a huge portrait now, but in God's entire plan, its probably only a very little piece. i know i haven't grasped the magnitude of Christ's death. the love involved, the pain involved, the pureness He was maimed for. i can't pretend and say i even a little bit comprehend the depths of it, because i don't. its too big for me to get my thoughts around. and yet, even though I've only scratched the surface in understanding this grace, God has already unveiled my eyes to see and experience the benefits of my redemption. Its like He's rewarded me with an A when the material I should know and understand to attain such a grade really wouldn't even earn me a D. I guess thats just grace. it is amazing, and incredible in that I am only at the beginning of its transformation of me but have seen its mighty power, and I have only years ahead to soak more and more in. it's given me forever at no cost. i've been redeemed. but i've also seen it transform my life on another level this last year. redemption, that is. the following are words I wrote in my journal precisely 365 nights ago...."I am very anxious right now. * called at 4 and said he was going to the going away party. Its now 10. *'s phone is turned off. I just have a very bad feeling about it. I already put my keys in the car and was going to pack a bag but figured if I just go to S's, I'll be home in the morning. he said earlier he'd be home around 9. It's wierd b/c S just asked me today if I'd packed a bag 'just in case'. We'd talked about that awhile ago and b/c *'s temper has pretty much depleted, I haven't even thought about it. Was that a sign? i've tried to call him mainly b/c he probably needs a ride home 6 hours of drinking-and he's still going- he won't ask for a ride, he never has. I just wish he'd call and I could gauge what I should expect. I'll never fall asleep now. This is the first time, going into it, that I've prepared myself to call the police. Hopefully he hasn't even drank, but I know he has, and for this long, it will get ugly. I'm going to stand up for myself-if he won't let me out of the house, I'll call the cops. I hate always walking on pins and needles, not knowing what to expect." Those were my words from exactly one year ago tonight. the events spinning off from that particular night brought redemption in a tangible way to my life. although there have been some extremely rough days and weeks the past year, I look back at it as a whole, and I see redemption as a picture of Christ's arms wrapped around me, embracing me tenderly yet firmly as He makes sure I withstand those hard times so I am able to experience the grace that follows. and here I now sit..no more nights fearing how bad it will be this time. no more bondage.im free. Christ's freed me. Redeemed me. Its been an amazing year. i think im going to throw all my bunny figurines away. simply because they really have absolutely nothing at all to do with what Easter is all about. they were cute in years past. cute means nothing though, once you've had a glimpse of redemption.

wHat A GOod goOd fRIdAy

mY nEw Boy...

(for those of you who are apt to read more into this then needs to be: i did not mean i want to marry him, or i think he's hot, or we were meant to be... No, all i mean is the boy can sing, he's my new Idol. American Idol that is. come on people, thats it...)

ConFUsiOn

i am very aware that there are many things that go on in the world that can't be explained, or are not meant for everyone to figure out and understand. i have recently run across one of those issues and although i am aware there may not be a rational reason, it is still something that i very much wish someone would be able to explain to me. so, without naming names, there is this person. it was a person that i knew, in fact, i'd say i knew this person quite well. we'd had some good times, we'd had some bad times. after some of these bad times, this person decided that they'd had enough. apparently enough of the good times as well as enough of the bad times. enough of me. he(0r) she wanted me out of his(or) her life. completely out. this point was driven home on numerous occasions and to be quite honest, i don't think it would have been possible to make it any clearer then how clear it was made to me. i was no longer wanted by this person in anyway whatsoever. not to be seen, not to be heard, sometimes not even to breathe the same air as they. i did not argue. i did not beg or plead for this person to not hate me or to discard me in the way i was discarded. and so i thought it was done. he/she went his/her own way, i went mine. and yet, the confusion begins here. because a clean break is not what we've had. no, not at all. this person apparently did not fully mean what they said, because without his/her presence, i am not. i don't understand. was it all a lie? did i misunderstand? perhaps they are even reading this now... who knows? its all very confusing to me.

i'M sIck Of MovInG

im in the midst of packing and hating every second of it. then i realized why. this is my 22nd move(don't believe me, they are listed below:)), and my 4th in the past year. granted a couple of moves have been minor with no major furniture accompanying me, but still packing stuff up, trying to remember to change all your address info, utilities, blah blah blah, and trying to remember everything still very much is a pain in the butt. one would think i grew up in a military family, ah NoN...i was actually in a family w/ a salesman father. and then just spent a couple of years confused as to what i wanted to do or live, followed by a couple of years following around a chef. and i'm sick of moving. i'm done for awhile. well at least for another year or two until Joey is school age and i have to get into a school district that doesn't suck! but hey, at this point a year or two looks like settling down to me.


1.to Cleveland(i don't remember this one, but it was still a move)
2.to Charlotte
3.to an apartment in Atlanta
4.to a house in Atlanta
5.to a condo in NJ
6.to a house in NJ
7.to a house in Atlanta
8.to a dorm at Purdue (in IN)
9.back to my house in Atlanta
10.to a house w/ my friend in Marietta, GA
11.to another apartment w/ another friend in Roswell, GA
12.to another apartment in Roswell, GA
13.to St. Simons Island, GA
14.to a house in middle of nowhere Virginia
15.to a hotel in Arizona (for 4 months, but it counts, i had to pack)
16.back to our house in VA
17.to an apartment (in the ghetto) in Columbus, OH
18.to a house in Blacklick, OH
19.to my dads in Westerville, OH
20.back to my house in Blacklick, OH
21.back to my dad's in Westerville, OH
22.to a house, oh a duplex, in Columbus, OH

My LittLe cOacH'S pET

My liTtLe LaDie'S mAN

mY LiTtLe pELe

hAppY w/ A liTtLe SadNesS wEavEd iN

today was a good day. A day that all i've wished for the last 3 or 4 years, came to be. And that makes me happy. Very happy, very thankful, very hopeful, very sure of a faithful God, very redeemed. And yet, as all is said and done, there seems to be a subtle sadness weaved throughout whatever joy i am feeling. that is confusing to me. i feel like i should be 100% full of happiness and gladness. i'm not though. I can't put my finger on what that sadness is all about. perhaps its from the finality of another failure in my life...although redeemed from a seeming unredeemable marriage, the fact that I'd gone into the marriage by my own choice enables me to blame myself for its demise. perhaps the sadness comes because today officially marks the day that i have no one more to hide behind. ever since i was 16, i've always made sure there was somebody to protect me, someone to hide behind. most of those protectors took advantage of their position, and yet now, i find myself with no one. and that feels a little more scary then having one of them. i have felt alone for the past 4 years of marriage, but the final decree of divorce feels like a sentence of eternal loneliness. and yet throughout the past year, I have met a new partner. One that will never fail me, will defend me forever and never leave my side. I know this in my head, yet when i lay in bed, i can't hear Him breathing beside me and so sometimes i still get scared. Lord, please let the happiness of Your redemption of my life fill me with JOY and let the sadness that I feel be stripped down to nothing as I realize that You, and only You can fill that loneliness and protect me as long as I live...remind me everyday and continue to turn me to YOU...thanks:)

nAh...iS HE foR rEaL??

i am my beloveds and my beloved’s mine
so you bring all your history and i’ll bring the bread and wine
and we’ll have us a party where all the drinks are on me
then as surely as the rising sun you will be set free

(derek webb)