a cOmmOn ThrEad

whats that saying, old habits die hard? maybe thats not it but i think its something along those lines. anyways, ive rediscovered a common theme in my life that goes back awhile yet hasnt sufaced in quite sometime. i may have mistaken it to have disappeared completely, but i now know that it is still alive and kicking, it just needs the perfect circumstances to emerge. this is the deal...ive got this class that is consuming to me. i hate it like ive never hated anything before. id go into the reasons why, but i dont think they'd even do justice to the amount of detest i hold inside for this particular class. its completely dreadful. did you pick up on the fact that i dont like this class? it got to the point on thursday that i called my academic advisor wanting to drop it. id rather have dropped it, maintaing my gpa and foregoing the blood and sweat that this class entails as opposed to sticking it out and failing it. on thursday, i saw these as my only two options. after being advised by my advisor (fancy how that works out) to at least stick it out through the midterm to see if i can maybe at least pass it, i decided id give it a good effort. i got a tutor and i studied as much as ive ever studied (i think) for a math class. math is hard to study for. anyways, i gave it my best knowing that if i did indeed flunk it, i wouldn't have any regrets for i had tried. and then i got people to pray, specifically for a c. id have been happy with that. and so finally, the midterm day arrived. it was today as a matter of fact. and so it was taken and the results tallied. the specific grade is not important, lets just suffice it to say that i surprised myself at the result which was substantially higher then even the c i and others had been praying for. i was shocked and a little embaressed that my stress level had been as high as it had been considering i obviously wasnt in as bad of shape as id perceieved. and then i realized the habit i spoke of earlier had once again reered its ugly head. let me insert another saying here, actually another saying im a little unsure of...when the going gets tough, the tough get going. is that it? something close? anyways, the saying is an illustration of everything im not. when things get tough, im out, or at least want out. id not go so far as to consider myself a quitter, and yet i guess without the support of others at times, i would be alot. i tend to want to bail when things (particulary school..) get hard and i get this perception that im not smart enough or i simply cant do the work that it entails. this is a pattern thats been quite apparent for the last 20 years or so of my life. i thought id conquered it, but as this latest class has proven, the tendency is indeed still there. maybe conquering it simply involves discerning it....which in this case would mean its been conquered? or perhaps i just need to get some sleep...:)