a FiRSt tiMe fOr evErytHinG

i've experienced something for the first time recently. it's kind of wierd for me, but i like it. alot! ever since i was i dunno, 15, i remember having this panicky feeling anytime that i didn't have a "boyfriend". most of the time, it wasn't even a boyfriend by the traditional definition of one, but just a guy i could hang out with so often that most people considered us together, even if he was a putz and didn't want to be tied to the term boyfriend. at any rate, if there was ever a lapse of time in which there was no male occupying that role for me, that panicky feeling would commence. i'd consider it panicky because when in the midst of those lapses, i'd think it was hopeless, no guy would ever want me,but i was constantly on the lookout for anyone who would, and so with both those thoughts running through my head it turned out to usually have a not so good outcome when i did find a guy. because i was so thrilled that someone did want to be with me, i'd have no criteria for choosing a guy to be. anyways, this has gone on for so long and i was scared about re-experiencing this feeling now. I'd expect someone in my situation to be so thrilled just to be out of a relationship, and yet that panic began to well up inside of me as reality began to set in that i would, again, be alone, and this time with even more baggage. And yet, this was only one more way for God to prove He loves me so much... He's answered another prayer in my life. I've been praying that He would use this time in my life to grab me, and turn me towards only Him in realizing that true protection and joy won't come from a guy. But that He is that, and the only true source of it. And although it wasn't an immediate sense of peace, I've realized the last week that that once apprehensive and scared feeling of never finding anyone that would want me again, has been replaced by a peace and contentment that i have no way to explain but of that "peace that passes all understanding" coming from the One that does love me more then any guy would ever even be capable of. wow, its amazing that God is so encompassing in His provision and love and grace. I'm so happy about where He's got me now. and im alone. im happy alone...thats a first!