hAppY w/ A liTtLe SadNesS wEavEd iN

today was a good day. A day that all i've wished for the last 3 or 4 years, came to be. And that makes me happy. Very happy, very thankful, very hopeful, very sure of a faithful God, very redeemed. And yet, as all is said and done, there seems to be a subtle sadness weaved throughout whatever joy i am feeling. that is confusing to me. i feel like i should be 100% full of happiness and gladness. i'm not though. I can't put my finger on what that sadness is all about. perhaps its from the finality of another failure in my life...although redeemed from a seeming unredeemable marriage, the fact that I'd gone into the marriage by my own choice enables me to blame myself for its demise. perhaps the sadness comes because today officially marks the day that i have no one more to hide behind. ever since i was 16, i've always made sure there was somebody to protect me, someone to hide behind. most of those protectors took advantage of their position, and yet now, i find myself with no one. and that feels a little more scary then having one of them. i have felt alone for the past 4 years of marriage, but the final decree of divorce feels like a sentence of eternal loneliness. and yet throughout the past year, I have met a new partner. One that will never fail me, will defend me forever and never leave my side. I know this in my head, yet when i lay in bed, i can't hear Him breathing beside me and so sometimes i still get scared. Lord, please let the happiness of Your redemption of my life fill me with JOY and let the sadness that I feel be stripped down to nothing as I realize that You, and only You can fill that loneliness and protect me as long as I live...remind me everyday and continue to turn me to YOU...thanks:)