Hold Me Now (by Jennifer Knapp)
From glass alabaster she poured out the depths of her soul.
O foot of Christ would you wait if her harlotries known?
falls a tear to darken the dirt.
Of humblest offerings to forgive the hurt.
She is strong enough to stand in your love.
I can hear her say..
I am weak.
I am poor,
I'm broken Lord but I'm yours.
Hold me Now. hold me Now.
Let he without sin cast the first stone if you will.
To say that my bride isn't worth half the blood that I've spilled.
Point your finger and laugh if you choose
to say my beloved is borrowed and used (chorus)
Maybe a year ago, a little less probably, I borrowed a cd. New music is never fun for me to listen to, because i need to hear a song at least 5 times before I recognize it, and then about 5 more to determine whether i even like it or not. And a whole cd? It's at least a 3 month commitment to be able to actually enjoy it. so i usually don't even bother listening to anything new. For some reason though, I gave this one a shot and before long, i was really loving it. As time went on (i think i'd forgotten it was borrowed...but it eventually got back to its rightful owner, as a birthday gift, i believe) the song(i wrote the lyrics above) somehow became the only one that I listened to, and the more that i heard it, the more I realized she was singing words that could have been written for me . I started reading what had been written about the two women of this song and realized God had more or less weaved my life into theirs. in the Gospels of Luke and John, my autobiography, give or take a few details, had been alluded to... couldn't believe I'd never noticed before.
The shame is great, making it nearly impossible to imagine anything worthy escaping our souls. Even if people didn't know, it sure seemed like they knew. they may have pretended not to know, but they were only lying, they knew. Once discovered, reputations like ours aren't disposed of very easily, in fact, most of the time, they're there forever, no matter what you do to try and earn back any dignity or worth. And once you are permanently stamped with shame, the harder you try to work the dirtiness off, somehow you just keep getting worse, the stains only become darker. And then, as I'm beginning to realize the ramifications of my exposure having turned into a world-wide phenomena, stripped down to my ugly core, for everyone who has ever owned a Bible to read and then know.... all of a sudden, God seems to break through my panic and turns my thoughts back to His Word, prompting me to continue reading it again and again. He won't let me turn away. He's got my attention and He softly tells me to keep going, listen, You're missing the beauty of it.....
As the sinful whores brave the presence of this suppos-ed Savior, daring to hope, even if through a tiny glimmer, that He is who they've heard Him to be- the Son of God who forgives sinners as sinful as i, the cymbols crash and reality makes its way back as the men who also surround Jesus point out the truth about who we really are. The love I had glimpsed in the Savior's eyes as he had looked upon me was quickly forgotten as the "truth" was revealed and my eyes could no longer look into his. It doesn't say in the Bible , but I think after being called out for our filth and our sin, we probably turned, hoping for a quick escape. attempting to flee from this pure presence of God's Son, for we knew His goodness only seemed to further the depth of the pitch black that had strangled our souls and now we could no longer hide in His presence, we were exposed. Perhaps as we turn to leave, the words of a gentle rebuke stop us, and we recognize it, not as the voices of the men whom we assume have no reason not to continue shedding the details of our wicked ways. No, it was Jesus talking, and He wasn't directing His speech towards us, the sinners, as we had assumed. We needed to leave but His voice held us, frozen to where we stood, for it was not one of condemnation, and I couldn't help but gawk as I listened. After a little word with our apparantly hypocritical, exposers, He began to speak of me. "Do you see this woman? ....she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair....this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet....she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven- for she loved much." And then, He reached for me, He grabbed me and drew me near. Jesus then gently took my face and held it while His love pierced through my entire body as He looked into my eyes. "I do not condemn you, you are free to leave that life of sin. Natalie, your sins are forgiven, your faith, it has saved you; go in peace." I felt Him hug me, and watched as He turned and walked away. The only response I could muster up was, none at all... I fell to the ground, not in hopeless despair as I had so many times before. I fell because I could not handle the magnitude of the grace that I had just stepped into for the first time in my life. The weight of sin and death had been lifted; in its place He'd placed His hope to cling to, His purity to bathe in, His goodness to encounter, and His love that could no longer remember the sin and brokenness that had saturated my very being only moments prior to His words of forgiveness and freedom. Then again, maybe the sin and brokenness I'd exposed won't be forgotten Because without the depravity that had engulfed me, the magnitude and wonder of grace, with its holy annoitment of purity would not be. That unfathomable gift was given only as the sin that made me me, was unmasked in Christ's presence, prompting His bestowal of "forgiveness [which] is the light that penetrates the dark and frees the somber, shamed heart to leap with love." (Dan Allender) God is so good.
