cHapTeR ClosED

although it seems like comparing specific time periods of one's life to chapters in a book seems so cliche, the more that ive thought about it, the better the analogy becomes. a chapter does not make a book, however without each and every one of them, there would be no book. as in life. the specific events taking place within a time period of one's life do not make them who they are, it is only with the integration of each and every chapter that one grows and develops and becomes who exactly they were created to be. the good, the bad, the pretty, the ugly, all of these can be found in virtually every chapter or time period, some being much harder to spot, no doubt, and yet not one of these attributes in and of itself has the capacity to define a book or a life. for that i am thankful, as i have been officially able to close a chapter of my life of which i would cringe if it alone had the capacity to define me.... a little over a year ago i was faced with the reality that id have to find something with which to supplement my financial situation. no big deal, yet as i pondered as to what i could do, i realized i had but one option in regards to having any experience.. waitressing. after quickly solidifying a job, i realized that it had been awhile since id been engulfed within the "real world" or within life outside my little sheltered bubble. i figured it was time for me to get out there and to live this Gospel out as now, i thought, i really got it. i guess in a way, i thought id arrived spiritually as id "overcome" many sins which had at one time strangled the hell out of me. id experienced grace in its magnificent power and in its love and in its utter goodness. i was changed, i was ready to go. yea, those ideals didnt last long. as i re-entered the world that id once been enmeshed in, i found that all those tendencies i once had hadn't necessarily disappeared altogether. i was once again drawn to things which i thought id conquered, or at least thought no longer carried any merit to me. and it was a battle. id fall and then come crawling back to the cross, utterly confused as to why, after all i knew in regards to Christ's love, that i still was choosing to forsake Him for me. yet i would work through it only to fall even harder. these battles have ensued sporatically throughout the last year. the same cycle has been repeated....i would feel id gotten my act together never to return to doing "this" or "that" again, i'd find myself in the midst of "this" or "that", i'd wake up the next day entrenched in shame and self-hate and despair, and then id start the slow process (which was most often led by another..) of repenting and truly accepting God's grace. each time the last step of the process seemed to continually take longer and longer as i could not imagine being embraced, yet again, by a God who i was continually choosing to spit upon in the same, hideous manner. this process is still fresh and raw in my mind and still at times, leads me to despair as i think about how ugly my heart is. however, God has even provided grace in the midst of my own sin, my own denial of Him. a situation arose all of a sudden where i found myself in a financial position of not needing to waitress anymore and because of some crazy details, having to actually dispose of some income. it was an out. i was in the position of being able to remove myself from a place that id found was so hard for me to maintain the truth of that which i am and believe. thus, i put in my notice and as of last night, im able to officially close this most recent chapter of my life. to simply leave it at that is rather depressing. for if i look back over the past year when compared to other years, it sucked as id have to assess it could not have been one in which id grown spiritually as look at all of the regrets which stem from it. however, upon a deeper examination, hope begins to surface. had i not been exposed to that which i was, i may have never been able to realize the utter despicability (i think i may have made that word up) of that which is my heart. living in my little bubble did not give me the outlets to test the true longings of my heart and so i may easily have developed into a haughty, holier then thou type of person (which i suppose is still a possibility). yet my heart has been revealed throughout the past year which is humbling and insightful and awful and yet somehow hopeful. its given me perspective on those idols of which i cling to so tightly that i am able to forsake anything to attain them. its shown me areas of which id once thought i could control yet absolutely cannot. its been eye-opening. and so, as this chapter has closed, the next is staring me in my face. the hope that has surfaced is a result of believing that God will not let the last 12 months fade into history without using them tremendously. through His grace, my sin has been revealed with which i believe He will lead me on yet another journey to again experience His love. and so, im thankful for this last chapter of my life as ugly as it may have been, for it is not the final chapter. it is only but a piece of that which will make up the story of my life and my guess is that the grace of God will work it all to good.