diE to liVe?

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me"

Mark 8:34

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain"

Philippians 1:21

it is late and after beginning yet another semester of school today, my brain is tired. therefore, the following may not make one bit of sense. yet i feel the need to write anyways. the preceding verses that i've quoted have been quite mysterious to me until recently. i always had a general sense of what they meant, yet nothing concrete came to mind as i'd read over them. until now. i now know, through my own recognition and wrestling with sin, what verses such as these are referring to. and as ive come to recognize their meaning as well as their significance for my life, i must honestly say they were easier to internalize when i didn't quite grasp their entire meaning. for i've come to realize how incredibly hard it is to die to myself, thus living for Christ. i am hoping, for my sake, that this dying to self is a process (and quite a slow one in my own case) and not a one time decision for if it is, im screwed. ive come to understand, for me, that it is a decision that has to be made quite often, sometimes daily, sometimes even hourly. and that even after that decision has been made, the soul can backfire, negating the original decision all together. its been a realization that i don't put Christ first in certain areas of my life despite what i've confessed. and its facing this realization that seems to be the hardest part. ive recognized the areas where i do live for myself, refusing to die, and now wrestle with how to transform my heart into one that is truly denying itself and following Christ. i am hoping that for others this is a journey as well and not a one time deliverance type of thing, only i guess to validate my own experiences. i am also hoping that a transformation is possible and am trying to place the hope that it is in the power of God and not in myself. im not there. a pretty good indication of where i find myself at times is portrayed in complete and utter accuracy in the following lyrics:
"I would but cannot rest, in God's most holy will; I know what He appoints is best, and murmer at it still. I murmer at it still."

(lyrics from Help my Unbelief)

my only choice is to cling to the hope that "He who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6). this hope, this transformation, and this power are not of my own doings and only because of this can i continue to hope, for left to my own devices, its a hopeless cause. so then, im hoping this made some sort of sense as my brain at this point is numb.