chEck gAbe OuT

"All will be well

Even though sometimes this is hard to tell

And the fight is just as frustrating as hell

All will be well"

...All Will Be Well Gabe Dixon Band

so, im no music connoisseur, but luckily i have a brother who is. every now and then he recommends something new for my listening pleasure, and perhaps because we are genetically linked, i usually end up digging it. This particular suggestion offered instant gratification, im talking like within the first 10 seconds..its amazing. at least i think it is. i dig Gabe.

iNnocEnt ExpEctaTions...

Joey informed me last night why he just can't wait to get to heaven.... its because he'll be able to ride his bike on a gold street. i cant say that was the selling point of heaven for me, but now that its been brought to my attention, im pretty siked about it myself.

i cOncuR

"I believe that the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time. This is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. If he can sink a man's mind into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging God."

...Blue Like Jazz Donald Miller

graTituDe

today as i sit here, i am most grateful. for alot, but specifically for two specific things:) uno: the loving-kindness and generosity of friends. all of them, but im thinking specifically of one family in particular. they asked Joey and i to come with them on vacation. out of nowhere. wanting nothing. expecting zilch from me except my presence. and so we went...it was wonderful and sunny and fun and refreshing and humid and joyous and sometimes a little loud, but it was surrounded with love. i am grateful to have friends that would include us in something that we had no reason or right to be included in, except for the fact that we are friends, and our hearts are connected in Christ. i guess thats enough reason... for them, for Florida, and for their love, i am truly grateful. so that was like 3 things wrapped into my first point, i apologize. the second thing i was originally thinking of in my gratitude would be a revelation that came forth as a result of our roadtrip down to FL. it was brought to my attention by this same company that i was in fellowship with that i apparently was either taught wrong (id like to chaulk it up to this) or somehow developed the bad habit of driving completely annoyingly (from a passengers viewpoint)when it comes to the whole actions involved in accelarating and decelerating. i was blind to this, yet i've found that a good many of my past passengers have been well aware of this little issue of mine. now would be an appropriate time to apologize to all of you who hold secretly to the fact that you never want to be in the same vehicle as i if im at the wheel...i am truly sorry. i was unaware, ignorant if you will, of the fact i was doing it all wrong. and now i know. someone has shown me the light, and i fully own the fact that i had to have been an awful chauffer to some of you. but that chapter of my life is now over. it is finished. i've been taught anew, and now i drive anew. i feel so enlightened now behind the wheel, its like a challenge to keep from reverting to my ways of old, a challenge that i embrace each and everytime i stick the key in the ignition. and so the gratitude flows...for this revelation and for the changes that have occured in my life because of it.

floRida

i am here.

a ConFesSion...

i have a confession to make. confessions are hard alot of times cuz they usually mean you did something wrong. i didn't make confessions prior to this past year. of any sort. look at what a difference a year can make (more-so the difference that God can make) as i've gone from hoarding every single secret and sin of mine, to making a confession which will be made available to the entire cyber-space community. Who can argue against God's continuing performances of miracles? anyways, i want you to know that the previous blog entry was made under the influence of Coors Light, i dont remember how many, but it was enough that i don't remember how many..the reason i confess is to make a couple of points. a. as incredible as this past year has been for me, and as incredible as the work of God has been IN my life, im still the same, consistant sinner ive always been, and just when i think i'm past the point of "doing that again" or "doing this again," i fail and to quote Paul, "the evil I do not want to do- this, I keep on doing." im then humbled as my act is not as good as i thought. im thankful for grace. b. the state of mind i was in as i typed couldn't possibly correlate any better to what that quote attempts to convey. although i dont remember blogging at all last night, (i only realized i'd done it tonight as i was going to write an entry and i saw that i'd been on the night before...no recollection of actually doing it, scary huh?) i did pick a pretty accurate quotation which sums up quite nicely the situation i chose to put myself in last night, gotta give myself credit for that (kidding). i was trying to fill my lonliness with Coors Light. based on the words of Dave Matthews that i typed, it wasn't working. i knew it wouldnt work, it never has worked. i've spent lots of nights with lots of different substances, or people, or events, anything to try and ease that loneliness. and as Dave conveys, none of them worked, they only added to the brokenness of my heart. its a viscous cycle, i know it all too well. i also know something though that Dave doesn't(or maybe he does, he just didn't include it in this song..) there is a source that fills that emptiness and lonliness. but there's only one and it's God. thats it. He's all. He's amazing at what He does, for not one other substance, or person, or event in the entire world can fill and soothe the soul as He. and it doesn't even cost (i wish id known sooner, alot of money would have been saved...) and He'll never stop dishing out His peace. as long as we're seeking, He'll make sure we find. seeking it through Him that is, not through Coors Light. but even after i've known His peace and have let Him "fill me in" with it, i still screw up (obviously) which leads to the best part of this plan God put together(well, one of the best parts, its got alot of really really good facets). He doesn't discontinue His soul-soothing, peace-giving in leu(?) of my abandonment of Him. He waits for me to realize how retarded i can be for seeking peace else-where (i've noticed that time span is getting shorter and shorter..) and then He scoops me back up and reminds me of how perfect His peace is by filling me with it once more. no questions asked. no explanations needed. no fines. no ifs, ands or buts. no nothing, except for grace. its all about the grace people, or i'd be in bad shape. i write this to convey the sought after mystery Dave hadn't discovered as he wrote the chorus of "Grey Street"(perhaps he will run across this blog someday) and also as a permanent note to self for the next lonely, Joey-less, burnt out from educating myself, night that i have, for i'm sure there are more to come. may i let God "fill it in" next time, and the next and also the next... "May the God of hope fill [me] with all joy and peace..." Romans 15:13

the irony...i am listening to a random mixture of songs that are on my computer as ive typed. "Grey Street" just finished playing and was followed by "Drunkard's Prayer" by Over the Rhine. if you're not familiar with it, download the song. it's worth the 99 cents. plus, the 2 songs back to back mirror what i attempted to convey through my confession. good stuff. (just fyi...the next song just started, and it's "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls. hopefully they will run across this blog as well.)

eMptiNeSs

"There's a loneliness inside her
and she'd do anything to fill it in...
but all the colors mix together to gray
and it breaks her heart" dave m.

buMmeR (a Big oNe...)

i really don't think i'll ever grasp the concept of reading through all instructions of an assignment before starting the assignment. did anyone ever have that test in school where the first item said to read through all the instructions before starting the test, and then people like me who ignore instructions and are all gung-ho about getting on with it already go through like all 40 questions. they are all bizarre, like walking up to the chaulkboard or doing some ridiculous addition problem. anyways, after retards like me get to the end, it says something like question 40: do not perform anything stated on this test. and so yea, all the people like me feel like idiots because they realize the smart people actually followed teh instructions and didn't do any of things we just did because they read through it first...nevermind, that was way too hard to explain. anyways, the point is, i've never read directions, at least in the manner they should be read. so, i've had this lingering research paper to do. and being the procrastinator that i am, i started the research portion of it today, the 3rd of July. it is due on the 14th. no big deal. writing is not hard for me. the research is another story, but i work good under pressure. besides, i'd skimmed over the instructions at the begining of the semester and knew it was just a 5 page paper, so i figured i'd have plenty of time. and i would have, if that was all of the assignment. but in actually starting it today, i really did read through all the instructions, and realized once more how IMPERATIVE it is to do so, at the BEGINNINg. because as of today,(at least in my mind) the countdown is on...10 more days to finish the above mentioned paper, but they tacked on to it (in the later paragraphs of the instruction sheets, i might add) a 4 page Debate with an accompanying powerpoint presentation as well as 2-5 rebuttals of classmate's posted debates taht need to be roughly a page each. ohh, did i mention i also have a comprehensive final in this class that i need to study for and take as well. although, it only covers 14 chapters, so it shouldn't be a big deal....just shoot me now. no, not really. there is a lesson to be learned through all of this: READ THE FREAKIN DIRECTIONS....ahh, goodbye for awhile.

:(

so, when all is said and done in a divorce involving children, every little detail is hashed out and those that aren't addressed specifically are covered in Rule 27 or something like that. one of the issues is vacation schedules. each parent is entitled to 2 weeks of vacation with the child, per year. this is a fair rule, but selfishly a sad rule when it is actually excercised. Joey left this morning for one of his weeks of vacation with Daddy. Hes thrilled. im not. as nerve-racking as his 4,393 questions p/day can be, they fill the air with curiosity and zest for life. i miss that ambiance already. im just not so curious and life has dulled a bit. it is quiet, which is a perfect environment to start and to finish the research paper i have at hand, yet i realize now that i'd rather have the chaotic, stressful, overwhelming feeling that ensues every morning when i have entirely too much to do with entirely too little time, but a fresh, bubbly, blue-eyed little boy to play with and listen to as he fills the air and time with his innocent love and whole-hearted approval for life. i'll miss that the next 5 days....

a PErfecT daTe

today i went on what i'd deem as "the perfect date." i haven't dated in a long, long time, so it wouldn't take much to impress me, and today i was impressed. we spent a nice, leisurely afternoon by the pool. he only dumped 4 buckets full of water on me. then, after it got a bit cooler, we hit the bikes and rode to a local eatery. we sat out on the porch and ate chicken nuggets together and sipped water. afterwards, we biked to a friends to say hello and then stopped for a little treat at the DQ. good times. i have to say, if dating continues to be so pleasureable, i'll have to consider going out with someone other then Joey:)