a ConFesSion...

i have a confession to make. confessions are hard alot of times cuz they usually mean you did something wrong. i didn't make confessions prior to this past year. of any sort. look at what a difference a year can make (more-so the difference that God can make) as i've gone from hoarding every single secret and sin of mine, to making a confession which will be made available to the entire cyber-space community. Who can argue against God's continuing performances of miracles? anyways, i want you to know that the previous blog entry was made under the influence of Coors Light, i dont remember how many, but it was enough that i don't remember how many..the reason i confess is to make a couple of points. a. as incredible as this past year has been for me, and as incredible as the work of God has been IN my life, im still the same, consistant sinner ive always been, and just when i think i'm past the point of "doing that again" or "doing this again," i fail and to quote Paul, "the evil I do not want to do- this, I keep on doing." im then humbled as my act is not as good as i thought. im thankful for grace. b. the state of mind i was in as i typed couldn't possibly correlate any better to what that quote attempts to convey. although i dont remember blogging at all last night, (i only realized i'd done it tonight as i was going to write an entry and i saw that i'd been on the night before...no recollection of actually doing it, scary huh?) i did pick a pretty accurate quotation which sums up quite nicely the situation i chose to put myself in last night, gotta give myself credit for that (kidding). i was trying to fill my lonliness with Coors Light. based on the words of Dave Matthews that i typed, it wasn't working. i knew it wouldnt work, it never has worked. i've spent lots of nights with lots of different substances, or people, or events, anything to try and ease that loneliness. and as Dave conveys, none of them worked, they only added to the brokenness of my heart. its a viscous cycle, i know it all too well. i also know something though that Dave doesn't(or maybe he does, he just didn't include it in this song..) there is a source that fills that emptiness and lonliness. but there's only one and it's God. thats it. He's all. He's amazing at what He does, for not one other substance, or person, or event in the entire world can fill and soothe the soul as He. and it doesn't even cost (i wish id known sooner, alot of money would have been saved...) and He'll never stop dishing out His peace. as long as we're seeking, He'll make sure we find. seeking it through Him that is, not through Coors Light. but even after i've known His peace and have let Him "fill me in" with it, i still screw up (obviously) which leads to the best part of this plan God put together(well, one of the best parts, its got alot of really really good facets). He doesn't discontinue His soul-soothing, peace-giving in leu(?) of my abandonment of Him. He waits for me to realize how retarded i can be for seeking peace else-where (i've noticed that time span is getting shorter and shorter..) and then He scoops me back up and reminds me of how perfect His peace is by filling me with it once more. no questions asked. no explanations needed. no fines. no ifs, ands or buts. no nothing, except for grace. its all about the grace people, or i'd be in bad shape. i write this to convey the sought after mystery Dave hadn't discovered as he wrote the chorus of "Grey Street"(perhaps he will run across this blog someday) and also as a permanent note to self for the next lonely, Joey-less, burnt out from educating myself, night that i have, for i'm sure there are more to come. may i let God "fill it in" next time, and the next and also the next... "May the God of hope fill [me] with all joy and peace..." Romans 15:13

the irony...i am listening to a random mixture of songs that are on my computer as ive typed. "Grey Street" just finished playing and was followed by "Drunkard's Prayer" by Over the Rhine. if you're not familiar with it, download the song. it's worth the 99 cents. plus, the 2 songs back to back mirror what i attempted to convey through my confession. good stuff. (just fyi...the next song just started, and it's "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls. hopefully they will run across this blog as well.)