suLLeN & dOwnTrodDen

i would first like to thank dane for this post's title...moving on: i am most definitely growing up as that which i am about to write would not have taken place at anytime previosly in my life. hmm, maturity? nah..anyways, as is common knowledge, i am nearly 2 semesters away from obtaining my bachelors degree. yay! and that makes me happy. however, as i near completion, i find the urge to just get it done with already. its taken forever and im just ready to be done. and so i readily confess as having adopted this mindset at various times throughout my career as a student. to further explain, my mentality, at times, has been more a focus on getting it done or getting "the" grade as opposed to actually doing the best that i can do. most recently, this was my outlook as i wrote the first of two, 10 page research papers which were due this semester. i turned this first paper in over the past weekend and although i spent tons of time on it, i knew it wasnt my best effort, in fact it sucked. it may have been in the half-ass category as i hated the majority of this class and just wanted to get a decent grade on the paper to pass. so, as i checked the gradebook today, i at first smiled. well, smirked would be more appropriate as id obtained a relatively decent grade with a relativey half-ass effort. a "B," which when adopting the mentality that id adopted in this course, is by all means decent. ok, so then i went to the actual paper which had been revised by the professor. this is where the sullen-ness/downtrodden-ness began to set in. after a well-deserved critique highlighting the areas where this paper fell short, this comment was made: "I fear that you fell short of the mark expected at this level of academics." ouch. that one hurt. ive never received anything like this before. my initial reaction was to try and slough(?) it off because what the heck, i still got a b. but this is where the whole maturity factor comes into play. as this comment really started to settle, i realized how deserving of it i was. the paper sucked. i rushed to complete it, not to make it good. and although i accomplished my original goal of attaining a decent grade, the aftermath of half-assing is no longer worth it. my conscience has been penetrated, and through a stupid research paper mind you. this is trivial, no doubt, however not so trivial with regards to our ultimate purpose in life. bringing glory to our Creator through all things, even a seemingly meaningless, long, confusing assignment. this is why i think im sullen and downtrodden. i did not my best, nor did i even try. and i am sad about that. im kind of even a little sadder because i have but another 10 page paper which is due in 10 days. and as much as id planned on just getting this one over and done with so that i can enjoy the holidays, i no longer will have this mindset(thats why im kind sad:) ).... enter pep talk: i will finish this one with integrity. as i work, ill seek to finish to be able to say, and i close with yet another[clean version] dane quote " i did my best...i did my freaking best"