SticKs aNd sToneS

i kind of agree with the statement,

"Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me."

at least based on personal experience, i can agree with it. words don't hurt me. they have a totally different affect, sort of. i see myself as being kind of like a sponge. the words thrown my direction can't hurt in and of themselves. you cant really hurt a sponge, it can get mashed or whatever but always bounces back to its original state. instead, words tend to permeate my soul, and at an unconscious level, they seep in and become part of my being. need a visual? think of one of those sea sponges. it can soak up all kinds of liquids, and still it still remains the same, at least by looking at it from the outside. and so i am with words. hurt me? no. change the dynamics of my soul and innerworkings? yeah, at least if i really admit it. and so it is. unfortunatly, as in everybody's life, some of those words have a way in corroding us. and that sucks. somebody, not too long ago, spoke the following words to me, in a very tender moment, mind you.

"You are fucking damaged, all you'll ever be is fucking damaged. everyone knows you are damaged goods." these words didn't hurt me. i "knew" they were invalid and only said out of anger and hatred. life went on. the shock-value faded. and yet there seem to be moments where these words spring up from the depths of my soul. i dont even know what brings them to the surface...burning a piece of toast, leaving an immeasurable amount of school work to finish until the last second (again..), thinking about the future or ever finding anyone who would want to be with "damaged goods". and then a lightbulb goes off in my head and i realize, aha, those words have gotten the best of me. they weren't discounted or simply chaulked up to coming from a not so nice person. uh-uh. they've become part of me. a part of how i think and therefore act. i know this. but how do i change it? i was picking my brain this morning, early early this morning, and trying to come up with some kind of answer. a couple hours of tossing and turning, and suddenly i had a bright idea. turn to the only source of answers, of TRUTH. (um, hopefully someday that will be an automatic thought, you'd think it would be by now, but usually i still need at least a couple of hours to try and figure it out myself, if not longer..i guess thats why sanctification is a process...) so i turned to Him. and He answered....shocker huh:)?
apparently, I am not alone in the whole damage factor. i'm assuming David may have felt this way when he wrote in Psalm 69:4, "...I am forced to restore what I did not steal." i am probably totally offbase in this interpretation, for i profess not to be a Biblical scholar, but based on his circumstances at the time and the rest of this chapter, im thinking David was feeling damaged. by his own sins. by the sins of others against him. damaged enough to feel the need to restore the damage, damage that apparently was not even of his own doing. he goes on and futher describes the details of the damage. it could have ended there. i think i would have ended it there, "here, let me write about how miserably damaged i am and how much my life seems to suck sometimes because of the affects of this damage. the end." but not David. and i quote, from verse 13 onward,

"But I pray to you, O LORD,

in the time of your favor;

in your great love, O God,

answer me with your sure salvation.

Rescue me from the mire,

do not let me sink;

deliver me from those who hate me,

from the deep waters.

Do not let the floodwaters engulf me

or the depths swallow me up

or the pit close its mouth over me.

Answer me, O LORD, out of the goodness of your love;

in your great mercy turn to me.

Do not hide your face from your servant;

answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.

Come near and rescue me;

redeem me because of my foes.

YOU KNOW how I am scorned, disgraced and shamed;

all my enemies are before you.

Scorn has broken my heart

and has left me helpless;

I look for sympathy, but there was none,

for comforters, but I found none.

They put gall in my food

and gave me vinegar for my thirst.

....I am in pain and distress;

may your salvation, O God, protect me.

I will praise God's name in song

and glorify Him with thanksgiving.

This will please the LORD more than an ox,

more than a bull with its horns and hoofs.

The poor will see and be glad-

you who seek God, may your hearts live!

The Lord hears the needy

and does not despise His captive people!

Let heaven and earth praise Him,

the seas and all that move in them,

for God will save Zion

and rebuild the cities of Judah.

Then people will settle there and possess it;

the children of His servants will inherit it,

and those who love His name will dwell there."
because of the early hour and a fitful night of tossing and turning, i must bring this discussion once again, back to the sponge. at this point, no matter what words have been absorbed in the past, a consious choice must be made. i've got competing substances fighting for the satuaration of my soul. one's origin is hate and sin and satan. the other's origin is pureness and love and TRUTH. one's motive was to tear down, the other's to build up. one's goal is death, the other's is life. and I choose to believe the Truth, i choose to let this fill my soul and saturate my sponge. i know there will be remnents of the other words that may pop up here and there, but saturate, they will no more. they cannot, for the truth will not become muddied with lies. and the truth is what i now stand upon. they will not hurt, and they can no longer saturate the depths of my soul. my sponge has been rung out and then rinsed with fresh water. im sure it will have to go through that process alot, but I can know I'm not alone in that (thanks to David) ok. thats it.