mY beauTiful MesS

a sHouT ouT: tO The waY iT ouGht tO Be, To cOffEe, anD tO JeSus

2009-05-31T17:30:00.000-07:00

this could take on the form of a rambling mess, but i have got 4 months to catch up on, so it's fine. anyways, the longer i live, the more i realize why the Bible is so full of truth and tidbits which some look at as limiting in nature, but in reality are quite the opposite, they are freeing and good. the Law, which God has laid out, is there for a purpose, and it is not to make us miserable. true, only in Christ is our salvation, however, what it takes time (i think) to realize, is that in living in obedience to His law (and of course trusting Him to enable us to fulfill it), our lives will, quite simply, run much more smoothly. He has given us His law because He loves us, and He knows that in living according to it, it is only going to benefit us. this has been a learning process for me, but its truth is blatant right now in one very specific area of my life. and that would be family. God created family as a good thing, as the right thing. He knew that it took a mom and a dad to successfully maneuver the multi-faceted task of raising children and essentially, just living life. when both of those components are not there, as God designed, it just makes things a heck of alot more complicated. and this is a truth which i can personally attest to. never would i throw out the woe is me, i'm a single parent card, yet i will throw out that God did not design family to be this way, and it is hard, really really hard. God was/is gracious to me, even in the transition into single parenting. He enabled me to be able to work from home and stay with Joey until i was finished with school and he entered kindergarten. when i started working away from home, i realized even more fully why it is not a task for one person. my time, my energy, everything seems to be completely drained. the details are irrelevant, i only state the circumstances to point out: God's law is Good, and it should be obeyed. for His glory. and for our good. that being said, i have also learned much about the sustenance of God. a) He's provided coffee. this is not a joke, if i did not have this in my life, i would be in bad shape. this is a gift that helps first thing in the morning, and sometimes in the mid-afternoon where i just want to fall down on my face and not move. but even more importantly b) He's given me Jesus. God knew we'd be unable to keep His beneficial law, and in His beautiful plan, He provided everything we'd need in those circumstances through His Son. first and foremost, forgiviness. but then grace. wherever we may need in our lives. i've seen Him over and over in this latest journey of mine, and He shows up, each and every time. i really don't know how anyone in this situation could do it without a Savior. He provides, He comforts, He sustains, He gives hope, He picks me up and helps me start again each time i stumble. i need Him and i am thankful for His unveiling my eyes to realize that i need Him. while this journey of single-parenting is not over, God will and has provided in ways un-imaginable. and so, i leave you (perhaps again for awhile) with this...Do it God's way, but when you mess that up, Jesus is there.

sOo...

2009-01-27T19:14:00.000-08:00

i should post again. i'll get on that soon....

liFe iS goOD

2008-10-27T19:36:00.000-07:00

today is just one of those days where even though there is still badness all around you in the world, there's a deep sense that there is a greater power who will and does and is turning all to good. that's a good thing all the time, but even better when it feels real in a tangible kind of way. and today, it just does.

..aNd i WaiT

2008-10-08T08:41:00.000-07:00

apparently this is the time in my life where i'm supposed to master the art of waiting, or at least become better at it. i'm not gonna lie, it's rather dull and frustrating. there are several areas in my life where i feel like God has placed me in the midst of some long, ongoing situation that has no overnight, quick-fix answer. and apparently He's insisting i merely wait in the midst of each of them. the biggest seems to be the whole job search thing. i naively thought, after finishing school in august, that the whole finding a job thing would be a piece of cake. it's not. i mean, i heard all the advice i'd been given, not one person alluding to the illusion that it would be an easy task, yet my optimistic outlook hoped for the best. im still hopeful that the right job, or even any job, at this point, will come around and know in my heart that it will, but i sit, at the moment, in the in-between, with no prospective opportunities on the table and the frustrating reality that it's nearly impossible to even get a call back after applying anywhere. and its ok, i mean deep down its ok, but i'd prefer not to be in the midst of the whole waiting lesson. ive been in this go-go-go mentality for, really, the last 4 or 5 years. i seem to thrive when i have not enough time to get everything done and so the shift from zero extra time to way too much extra time has been unnerving. i know that there will again be a time where i look back and question why the heck i was so frustrated at having ample time on my hands, but at the moment, i don't like it. and thus, i wait....

sOmeThinG's wRong...

2008-10-02T19:30:00.003-07:00

when you see gas for this price and actually get excited about it. however, i state the obvious...

cOuRagE

2008-09-05T06:57:00.000-07:00

Stand but your ground, your ghostly foes will fly --
Hell trembles at a heaven directed eye;
Choose rather to defend than to assail --
Self confidence will in the conflict fail:
When you are challenged you may dangers meet --
True courage is a fixed, not sudden heat;
Is always humble, lives in self distrust,
And will itself into no danger thrust.
Devote yourself to God, and you will find
God fights the battles of a will resigned.
Love Jesus! love will no base fear endure --
Love Jesus! and of conquest rest secure.

Thomas Ken (Bishop), 1637-1710-11.

(note: i have really just wanted to post this picture for awhile and though i understand it may not be completely applicable to the poem, just go with it...)

JesUs...

2008-08-29T04:22:00.001-07:00

first of all, props to the fact that this is my second post in a mere 48 hours. what is up with that? actually it probably has everything to do with the fact that i should be working on my resume but have found something much less productive to spend my time doing. thats just the way i roll. however i do feel the compulsion to share the hope that continues to overflow (albeit in waves but nevertheless tonight) and so, i share....i just got back from Celebrate REcovery. celebrate recovery is a Christian 12 step program that i have been attending for almost a year and a half. and its a very beautiful thing. it is a program that based itself on the 12 steps from AA yet placed its foundation solely on Christ. i go to it every thursday night and while at first was skeptical to even admit this to anyone, my perspective has been transformed into the realization that each and every Christian might benefit from attending a program such as this. and this is why....no matter our struggles as Christians, we each have the tendency to be drawn to something other than Jesus with which to feel good about ourselves or to deal with the struggles that this life and sin and brokenness brings. for some of us, it may look good on the outside, perhaps even down right "CHristian" but if we are honest, truly honest, we can realize that at times we all struggle to embrace Christ only as our Savior. this group, for me and for my life, has provided a beautiful picture of grace. it is a refuge where sinful, broken people can come and admit freely their sin and their brokenness. the size of the sin doesn't matter (even though we as humans are quick to categorize the degree of sin in our own minds). neither does the length of time the sin has been struggled with. all that matters in this group is the awareness of sin and how it is impossible for any of us to fix it by relying on our own devices. and this is where the beauty is portrayed each and every week. Jesus is lifted up and acknowledged as not only Savior and Provider but as Healer and Forgiver. this is what life, at its core, is about. Jesus. thats it. its simple yet profound. He's beautiful and yet the beauty of His love and sacrifice can only be found as we, as I, live out of the brokenness that is myself when I attempt to live without Him. when i first started going to this group, i felt like i was just one of those people who had hard core sin issues that needed a place like this for support. yet as i've grown in my realizations about Christ and life, i feel like this is where all of us should be living as Christians. not that we all have to go out and be a part of some type of 12 step Christian group (although it wouldn't hurt anything, in my opinion) but we do need to live out of this brokenness. i have felt and seen the power and healing that comes from admitting sin and handing it over to Christ each and every thursday night that i have attended these meetings. and even in the growth that has resulted in my life, I feel an even greater need to stay in this group. not for some chance that i will be healed of my sin once and for all by the attendance of some meeting, but for the mere fact that i need not ever forget my utter brokenness nor the beauty of Christ's love for us, for sinners. it is raw and it is painful to dig deep and admit my powerlessness to control my tendencies towards sin, yet its rewards are amazingly clear... Jesus is power and love and healing and this, my friends, is a very good thing....

mY bAby, nO mOrE??

2008-08-27T18:54:00.000-07:00

tuesday marked yet another transition in the elliott household. kindergarten. it was extremely bittersweet. im not gonna lie, most days this summer were spent with me yearning for the first day of school to hurry itself up. it was probably the combination of joey being older and therefore super bored as well as being basically homebound with the kids that i babysit, but whatever the reason, summer days just seemed to drag on and on. he was bored, i was bored, it was just kinda boring and i knew he needed more stimulation than i was capable of providing. last week, he turned six. i didn't think this would be a big deal yet as i went to pray for him after he had fallen asleep that night, i just started weeping. i don't typically use that word, weep, but it seems appropriate for this scenario as thats what it was, a weep-fest. i found myself mourning that we'd hit this new life stage and while it is exciting and necessary and welcomed, it is also the end of lazy mornings at home, summer days spent at the pool, and life as a stay-at-home mom as i know it. and it is sad. i only perpetuated the situation by pulling out all his baby pictures and crying (weeping) some more. anyways, this past tuesday officially marked the first day of kindergarten. i didn't cry as i dropped him off, like some of the moms did. i actually didn't even think i was going to cry at all, but as i came home to a quiet, empty house, reality hit. all that i have yearned for the last few years is quiet-ness. i love it, i adore silence and it isn't, ever, quiet with joey around. yet as i came and sat down in the quietness, the tears came again. its a good quiet as it symbolizes that he's healthy and growing and doing things that 6 year olds do, like going to school. but a sad quiet as the reality of life as we've known it will look different from now on. this probably sounds like a eulogy or something and thats silly because there is so much to be thankful and excited for. but its a transition no less which is usually marked with both happy and sad. anyways, yay for kindergarten:)

iT's OFficiaLLy oFfiCiaL

2008-08-14T18:21:00.001-07:00

im done. a couple of hours ago i submitted my last final which signified the conclusion of my somewhat long, extensive undergraduate career, if you can call it that. its been a very non-traditional journey yet i am learning that the majority of my life can not be categorized under anything carrying the label of traditional. its taken 3 schools and 9 years (though not all of them was i in school) but its done. i guess im excited, although its kinda surreal. its a phase of life i was quite sure id never reach the end of and so even though i have, it probably won't feel like it for awhile. at times, its been a great escape as the pressures of life have sometimes been able to be suppressed by the pressures of deadlines and papers and such. at other times ive felt like ive been drowning because of the combination of life's pressures and deadlines and papers and such. so graduation is a good thing. an uncertain thing as i dont know exactly "whats next" is going to look like. but good all the same. perhaps ill find more time to blog. but probably not...

jUsT bEcaUse i liKe iT

2008-07-24T19:47:00.000-07:00

"A broken heart love’s cradle is...
Jesus our Lord is crucified"
(from Oh Come and Mourn With Me Awhile by Jars of Clay)

iNflAtioN

2008-07-10T22:14:00.000-07:00

to be completely honest, any discussions, speculations, insights, and the like regarding the economy, utterly bore me. the economic realm sparks zero interest in me and i usually tune out convo's of this type fairly soon after they have started. the whole watching the stock market and stressing out about things that i have absolutely no control over just seems like a complete anxiety- provoking waste of time. thus, i tend to ignore this facet of society. however, during the past couple of months, perhaps a bit longer, all this talk of a bad economy has hit a little closer to home. i know that it is bad, in my tiny world, when i see big increases in my budget in the realms of gas and groceries. its become personal, not that this will lend me to paying any more attention to economy-talk, but i get it, its bad. and yet, its become even worse then i realized, as whatever the forces are that drive prices up have proven effective in yet another arena of life...teeth. be it inflation or just a bad economy or whatever, tooth fairies around the world, or at least around my part of the world have seen a major hike with regards to the fair market price of a tooth. and just to clarify, we're not even talking molars here. joey informed me a couple weeks past, after the thrilling event of losing his first tooth, that the going rate was five bucks. five bucks??? for a tooth?? i mean, im only 27, so we're talking what, 20 or so years ago, i got like 50 cents, perhaps a dollar, ok, so i dont remember exactly. but for sure, the going rate was certainly no where near that which it is now. how did this happen? somebody needs to run the figures and see if the inflation of the price of teeth is in any way correlated with that of the cost of living. from my naive and ignorant perspective, it surely can't be. inflation has hit home..

a HorRibLe haPpeNinG

2008-06-17T17:11:00.000-07:00

so, im not one to write entertainment reviews as my personal opinion is that everyone has a personal opinion which makes no one right or wrong, just personally opinionated. therefore, reviews in and of themselves are subjective and may or may not have any bearing on whether you like or dislike whatever i liked or disliked. thus, my reasonings for not sharing my critiques on all this what not. yet, i have to make an exception in this case. because i am a little concerned that perhaps i am missing something huge that someone can fill me in on. and if i am not missing something huge, then i look at this blog entry as a forewarning to you not to waste your money on the newest m. knight shyamalan flick. it is horrible, in almost every aspect. now, in all fairness, im sure that based on his history of making films, i had my hopes up. i did not see his last (Lady in the Water) and heard it was rather sub-par but thought that surely it was just a fluke as his other films were pretty much fantastic in my book. yet as i sat and watched this film, i kept waiting for things to start getting better. it never happened and actually the exact opposite took place, it kept getting worse and worse. it was bad...the acting, the story, the ending. everything. it was actually laughably bad at parts. and the thing is, it would have been bad no matter who wrote it. that is what was so incredible as i thought about it later. like, ok, watching that movie would have been a bad experience no matter whose film it was, but being that it was m. knights' it made it so much worse. i don't really know why he even wanted his name on this one. perhaps im being harsh, and yet i think not. personally opinion-ate this movie and let me know if ive gone wrong on this one, but do yourself a favor and save some money by waiting until you can rent it:)

i wAsn'T aWaRE...

2008-06-09T19:46:00.000-07:00

this morning joey asked if he could do a craft. im not gonna lie, i hate doing crafts. its a bunch of work and even more cleanup and ive made the executive parental decision to leave all the craftmaking what not to the school system as they are adequately prepared to handle the spills and clutter and cleanup in a way which i apparently am not. and this reasoning has worked thus far as i simply tell joey he can do all of the crafts that he wants to do: at school. however it is not so readily accepted now that school is out. so this morning when he asked, i absent-mindedly said sure! today i had all my children (which would be joey plus the ones i babysit for) and i was busy feeding the baby when joey proceeded with his crafting. i wasnt really paying attention and about a half hour later he yelled, "mom, come look at this." after looking, i couldn't really figure out what he had spent a whole 30 minutes doing, but i have to surmise that a rather large chunk of it probably was spent gathering supplies (which, if you can't identify include: a krispy kreme donut hat, a danimals yogurt container, a clothespin, a penny, and a bottle cap all glued onto a piece of notebook paper) as well as a generous amount of time straining to use as much glue as he could possible squeeze out of the elmer's container to hold down each and every object he had chosen for his little crafty craft. after gazing upon his newest artistic concoction, i did as any good mother would do and wooed over it for awhile while then setting it proudly in the center of our table for all to see. so please, by all means, feel free to come take a peek. its pure talent that i didnt even know existed...
ohh, thought id add a little bonus pic as well...he rules first base, all 40 pounds of him. actually he thinks that he rules the entire field as no matter where the ball is hit, you can be sure that joey will be right the midst of the action, sometimes even fighting his own teammates in hopes of obtaining the right to throw the ball to the coach after the play is over. its funny in t-ball, i just hope he learns before the big leagues. go cardinals!!!
so, he's playing first. (see, i told ya so...)

jUst keEpiNg iT REaL

2008-06-04T17:44:00.000-07:00

im not so sure what will transpire here, so just bear with me and if nothing comes together, so be it. today was a rough day for me and while there are no obligations to share that with those who may happen upon this blog, i did have this compelling urge to write about it. its a rather cathartic experience, writing, and things always feels better afterwards: thus i write. so anyways, my bad day.... the bad-ness originated as soon as my alarm clock started ringing. i knew it was going to be a rough day. i was tired and i could just tell. the details are unnecessary but suffice it to say that nothing seemed to go right today, really, nothing. these events were just the catalyst though, as i knew that really deep down, there was more then just these irritating events. and here's what i think it was: sometimes life doesn't at all look like what we'd planned it to look like. there it is, on the table... at 27, my life is not even a glimmer of what i thought or hoped it might be if id have thought about it ten or twenty years ago. and most of the time, im ok with this reality. living my life has given me perspectives, experiences, and wisdom that i obviously would never have known before. it has made my faith real and experiential and pretty exciting at times. it's been good and mostly, i am grateful for the life ive lived and am living. and then there are days like today when i look around and am like what the hell? how in the world did i end up here? while i was at the wedding this past weekend, it was hard not to look around and think that i had really screwed up somewhere. people are doing exciting things, families are doing exciting things and i guess i always dreamed of living and having those same experiences. i don't know, i could go on and on about how life should be and how its not that way. i guess everyone could maybe. and i think that this is ok. its ok to be sad about things that you wished would be but aren't. its ok to be disappointed that things aren't really at all how you thought they'd be. however, i don't think that it would be ok to dwell on these types of things either. and this is why.... God is real and He is so much bigger then any situation i may find myself drowning in at the moment. He does have a plan and im in it, thanks only to His grace. His plan is good and while it may be hard for me (today and on many others) to fathom just how all of this will transpire to goodness, it will, and it already has (on most days..:) ) and this is why im thankful for writing...you see, ive just counseled myself right through this little lull of emotions. sadness is ok to walk through, although i wish to be done with it for now. it's time again for hope...goodnight:)

sUch a SlacKeR, i Am

2008-06-03T19:33:00.000-07:00

ive been MIA but im back. at least for tonight. we just got home from a mini vacay...wedding with friends in VA and then a quick visit with the fam in WV. both places are extraordinarily beautiful probably because i come from OH which has to be up there in rankings as far as being the flattest state in the country. any hill appears to be a mountain when from OH thus we were in the midst of what seemed like the Alps as far as im concerned. not that ive been there, but whatever. it was a great little get away and the pics are but a glimpse of the weekend's festivities. as far as the rest of life goes, i feel like im in a state of limbo, but more about that later after a good night's sleep and a hopefully resulting clear head. au revoir for now...

seRioUsLy?

2008-05-07T19:26:00.000-07:00

im taking this class on social problems which is ever so depressing, but this is not the point of which i seek to convey. the other day i was reading a chapter entitled: war, terrorism, and the balance of power. the following is an exerpt relating to the monetarial costs of war:

"Each dollar bill is about 6 inches long. If you laid a million of them end to end, you would just about cover the distance from Los Angeles to San Diego. A billion dollar bills would take you around the equator four times. If you laid the dollar bills of today's defense budget end to end, they would circle the earth more than 1,800 times!" (Henslin, 2008)

upon further pondering of the above information my thoughts were not on the atrocities that this paragraph contains but were instead centered around the question of who in the world has the time to come up with facts like these? i mean textbooks are drenched with datum such as this that have to take so much time just to come up with a way to frame it. who does this? is there like a paid position, perhaps entitled "fact framer" or something in which the job description is merely to come up with crazy ideas with which to relay information? i mean, who gets the final word in the above mentioned paragraph on whether to stretch the dollar bills around the earth or to the moon and bacK? and why couldn't they have painted a word picture with quarters? furthermore, if there is a specific job such as this out there, what qualifies you to attain it? do you have to have a math background? or a creative background? perhaps physics? i don't know, it just seems like a complete waste of time to me, which would equate to a complete waste of money if they are actually paying somebody to come up with this stuff. i think that if the authors of this text had simply given the defense budget's total, id have been great with that. it needed no further explanation as far as im concerned and has only led me to an incredible waste of time thinking about these things. it is however, ironic that my opinion centers on what a huge waste of time this seems to be, and yet ive found the time to blog about it...hmmm

eiGhT beLLeS

2008-05-04T18:48:00.000-07:00

last night i experienced my first, as well as my last, spectating of the kentucky derby. although it is "the kentucky derby", its one of those things i just have never had any interest in and im never anywhere where its on and thus, ive just never seen it. watching all of the pre-race hoopla, i struggled to understand what the heck was going on. all the women were in crazy hats and they sang this song that everyone sang as if it were the national anthem with all of this patriotism and what not. i dont know, its obviously an event steeped in tradition of which i am totally ignorant. at any rate, as the race began i was just as shocked to see how quickly it ended. for all of the press this race gets, it lasts all of like 2 minutes. its very unimpressive, if you ask me. but all of these reasons have nothing to bear on why ive boycotted the kentucky derby for the remainder of my life. that decision was made because of this: as soon as the race was over, eight belles, who was the horse who came in 2nd, looked as if she tripped or something and she went down. they showed her laying on the track. it was really sad, but not nearly as sad as what happened next....so i guess they brought in all the EMT's(actually, they called it the equine ambulance on tv) for horses and found that she had broken both of her ankles and the only option was to euthenize her. like right there, on the track, only minutes after she had finished 2nd in the kentucky derby. they didnt show it or anything but it was heartbreaking. im not even like a horse fan. they're pretty and look like they are fun to ride, but that's the extent in my affection towards these equestrian beauties. yet seeing this chain of events tore at my heart. thats wierd, i know, but it did. so much so, that ive decided to boycott these festivities for the rest of my years. the horsing community is not missing out on much without my participation as, like i said, this was the first race i'd ever seen, but still. you'd think they'd have been able to do something...i guess thats enough. R.I.P eight belles....

thE aRt of QueStioN asKinG

2008-04-27T19:50:00.000-07:00

im thinking it has to do with the fact that i field entirely too many questions in a days time, but whatever the reason, ive been speculating a lot lately on the topic of question asking. being the mother of a five year old, answering questions is a daily task of mine. im thinking joey is on the high end of the spectrum as far as the number of questions he poses in a days time, but i have no concrete data with which to compare. i did, however, decide to get a baseline idea of the number of inquiries he inquires of in a 24 hour period, so this morning i began counting as soon as his feet hit the floor, which is the exact moment the first question pops out of his mouth, i am not even kidding. however, 30 minutes into my data gathering, id already encountered 34 questions (again, im not kidding) and decided to end the technicalities of my research. conveniently, i am, as you all know, so fortunate to be partaking in a statistics class and used this accumulated knowlege to get a rough estimate of joey's average number of questions posed per day. so maybe statistics wasn't exactly the tool that i used to gauge this, but, humor me people. anyways, after some rough calculations, giving the child 12 hours for sleep and 5 hours for school, eating, and generally keeping his mouth silent (which realistically has really never been the case) i found that in the remaining 7 hours of joey's day, he may be likely to pose an average of 476 questions. you may be pondering how this indeed may be the case, but trust me, spend an hour with him, and you will see, its true. granted, many of the questions are mundane and silly (i.e. whats for dinner and then 5 minutes later, whats for dinner) there are some rather well thought out and inquisitive questions which he throws at me. don't get me wrong, i am thrilled with the fact that he is hungry for info, he should be, he's five! this is all very good, im just merely relaying how talented joey is at asking questions. anways, my speculations began as i started to think of adults and how most of us land on the exact opposite end of the spectrum as far as asking questions goes. let's face it, we mostly suck at this facet of friendship and relationship. i can carry on hours of convo, relaying facts and details about the most trivial aspects of my life yet can get off the phone without asking one question about the life of whomever i was blabbing their ear off. i dont think im wrong to conclude that we, as the adults of society, all have a tendency to be self-absorbed in relationships and to slack in asking the questions that need to be asked. at times it seems uncomfortable or inappropriate or prying yet i think each of us yearns for somebody to truly reach in and ask us those questions. i am personally grateful to have a few of those in my life who break this mold and pose the questions which lend themselves to genuine and loving relationship. and so, as im so good at doing, ive made some conclusions... we need to learn from the little people. perhaps not from the quantity of questions they pose, but from their inquisitive nature to know. we need to pursue others in hopes of knowing others and to ask about their lives, their hurts, their fears and their desires. this is relationship, and most of us aren't too great at it. there is a middle ground to be reached in the number of questions that children and adults pose. the little ones aren't gonna change, but we can. that so sounded like a sermon ending. can i get an amen? :)

So sAd...

2008-04-18T19:22:00.000-07:00

some things in life are very cruel and although i know that God is good and has His purposes, I struggle during these harsh times to understand why He doesn't intervene, although i guess this is the point, it is not mine to understand. friends of mine have recently been plagued with the news that their daughter has a fatal genetic disease. yesterday they found out that their second child has the same syndrome. they are awesome people. good Christians. they love Jesus. they love their children and eachother. not that these things disqualify you from turmoil, but nobody should have to face this reality. and yet they received the worst news that is possible, in my opinion: both of their beautiful children will hurt more then any child should ever have to hurt. i ache for them and yet cannot even fathom the pain that they are feeling. it is hard for me to synthesize the truth that i believe with the reality that they are facing. i guess that is why God has made His truth truth regardless of the feelings that are attached at the moment. His truth remains throughout joy and sorrow, yet it can seem so far away in the midst of such sorrow

sHhh...dOn't tEll JoEy

2008-04-14T19:11:00.000-07:00

although sweet cereal holds fond memories for me, i am not a big connesuier of the sugary variety of breakfast fare these days. growing up, saturday mornings were special days when my brother and i were allowed to enjoy any cereal we so desired. it was the designated morning that we could indulge in cartoons and the empty calories of cereal sweetness. i loved this day as a child and savored every bowl of this sugary goodness. as an adult however, ive found sweet cereal as a whole to be sub-par. it is certainly not a filling cuisine and given the choice, id rather spend the calories on the more luxurious varieties of sugar. icecream, cakes, chocolate, you get my drift. but, last night as i searched the pantry for a little snack, i ran across joey's box of lucky charms and it just appealed to me for whatever reason. although the box was more then half empty, i poured myself a bowl and sat down to reminisce on the days where such food was considered a delicacy. as i finished the bowl, i realized my palette had not been satisfied and i went for another round. yet upon going to pour another bowl-full, i realized my affinities were not towards the cereal as a whole, but only for the charms, the marshmallow bits of yummy-ness. and thus, i proceeded to pick out every last marshmallow left in that half box of lucky charms. i am not proud of this, as 15 minutes later, i was still relatively hungry and there was not a marshmallow to be found. i had eaten each and every one. while i should have just thrown the rest of the cereal away, i decided to avoid a conflict with the ever so observant child of mine who would look into the cupboard the next morning and inquire what had become of his box of lucky charms. i returned the marshmallow-less box to the shelf and am hoping to get to the store before my indulgences are discovered. i have carried on the tradition of saturday being the official sweet cereal morning and therefore have a couple of days with which to tamper with the evidence. it was a rare binge which i wouldn't recommend as it did nothing to satiate the hunger, or the taste i was looking for. ive thus concluded to keep sweet cereal as a novelty for the young. apparently ive outgrown my childhood tastebuds...

iNseRt: Pep tAlk

2008-04-06T13:03:00.000-07:00

ok, deep breath. i am writing this to myself in hopes that in every crisis moment (which will number quite a few over the next 13 weeks) i can read my following words and truly believe that my life will turn out ok. this is the deal...i am almost closing in on an undergrad degree in psychology. feeling i have some degree of competence regarding the intra/inter personal skills, i surmised that this was a promising choice as far as degrees go. and thus far, ive been correct. however, unbeknownst(how in the world do you spell that??) to me, there are 3 required statistics classes which are required (imagine that) to be taken in order to graduate. and i, being the personality-type that i am, have chosen to leave them until the very end. i did complete one in an earlier semester and remember having these feelings which i am now re-experiencing all over again. i made it through and actually did quite decently in the class however in the midst of it, i felt like i was drowning for the entire 8 weeks. and im there again. math is not my thing. i know this and i therefore in the end know that these are the classes with which i will struggle most. but this sense of dread has overtaken me and i am worried about not even passing which in essence means not graduating. this is all ludacris when i step back and look at my history. every time i experience something such as this, i expect the worse and yet somehow, i make it through each and everytime. and thus, i write this to remind myself of this. i've spent, i dont know, probably 15 or 20 hours this week on t tests and anova tests and spss analysis and as i went this afternoon to test my accumlated knowledge, i found that i know nothing. i feel like crying or pulling out my hair or just applying to mcdonalds and being done with it all. my life feels consumed with this stuff. i cant stop thinking about it, ever. its this dark abyss and its freaking statistics. ahhh. i will make it through, i know this, although it certainly won't be my own power ...if anyone should so desire, i could use some prayer. actually, it would be even better if somebody would just step in and take this class for me. any takers??

uHhh...

2008-03-24T19:39:00.001-07:00

while i am no genius, in fact far from it, i'd like to think that i have the mental capacities which surpass my five year old's, at least for the mean time. yet at times, such as tonight, i doubt that that is even the case...one of the hardest topics of conversation to comprehend, for five year olds, but also for the general public is that of death. it's reality but a hard one to fully comprehend in all its ramifications. while we have yet to deal with any in your face scenarios regarding death (thank God), the topic is still a hot one that is brought up pretty consistently around here. one of Joey's incessant questions regarding death centers around jack, our (former, but still in our life) dog. he's asked me on numerous occasions if jack will be in heaven. while i've heard rants and raves surrounding this topic from various theological perspectives, the answer i've given was one that was given to me when i was little (although im pretty sure i was more like 10ish) by a sunday school teacher. when asked if our pets would be in heaven she replied, "God will provide everything that we NEED in heaven. if it is needed, it will be there." while i'm sure this answer could be debated i thought it was quite adequate in meeting my own reservations surrounding the future of my beloved pooch and her eternal fate. it sufficed and was comforting to me. and so when this exact question was posed to me, i drew from my own childhood theological lessons and used it in hopes of providing a sufficient answer for an inquisitive mind. i felt assured that it would answer the question, at least to my five year old. i mean geesh, it still is sufficient for me, and im 27. i should know by now though, that answers given to Joey are not always taken at face value, which is a good thing in the long run, however tricky for me as i'm looked to as the knower of all in his little eyes. while this exact answer seemed to satisfy him the last 14 or so times that it's been given, tonight, for whatever reason, his brain went further. after hearing my rhetorical answer once again, he replied, and i quote, "but God is all that we NEED in heaven. we may want jack to be in heaven, but won't need him because God will be there. so does that mean jack won't be there?" i was left stumped. he had me. he'd made a valid point, yet again and i didn't know where to go from there except to affirm his newest discovery. while he lives a very typical 5 year old life, there are moments where he seems wise beyond his years. im sure this is how every parent feels and yet he continues to amaze me at times. theology from a five year old is good because its pure. black and white and usually right on...yay for God infusing His truth into a 5 year old's heart.

sO fAr, So gOoD

2008-03-21T19:33:00.000-07:00

it has been awhile since ive made an appearance into the blogging stratosphere and i blame this on a)chaos (which really is a lousy excuse as this is the norm in my life) and b)un-inspiration (if that is indeed a word). ive had trouble coming up with anything to talk about, i mean blog about (rarely do i have a problem coming up with something to talk about). thus, the absence. i did feel the need however, to inform this little community that i am so far, A-ok as far as the NCAA tournament stands. oh yes, its been good to be me the last couple of days if you're a basketball fan. first and foremost, purdue (refer to previous post) hung on in the first round beating Baylor. it was a great game, at least it appeared to be from the 4 or 5 minutes they actually aired on CBS. they play Xavier tomorrow in the second round. i must be honest, ive got really mixed emotions regarding this game. while my heart is pulling for purdue, i actually picked xavier to beat them in my brackets. thats terrible, yet entirely realistic. anyways, on to the REALLY exciting news...the Liberty Flames. who'd have thought they'd have made it to the big dance, but they did. we're talking women here (of course the men's team didn't have a chance..) and they are supposedly really decent, although im not claiming to have seen them play thus far. actually, i dont think ill probably ever get to see them play as my career at Liberty is drawing to a close. bummer. nonetheless, the Lady Flames are 28-3 and will play 5th seed ODU on Sunday. so... as of tonight and the circumstances surrounding the successes of my two devotions (basketball speaking), i am living in a blissful state. im sure it will be shattered shortly yet tonight, life is good.

i'M LovED...

2008-02-25T17:36:00.000-08:00

Hark, the voice of love and mercy,
Sounds aloud from Calvary!
See, it rends the rocks asunder,
Shakes the earth and veils the sky!
“It is finished, It is finished,”
Hear the dying Savior cry.

"It is finished, It is finished,"

Hear the dying Savior cry.

“It is finished,” O what pleasure,
Do these charming words afford.
Heavenly blessings, without measure,
Flow to us from Christ the Lord.
“It is finished, it is finished,”
Saints the dying words record.

“It is finished, it is finished,”

Saints the dying words record.

Finished all the types and shadows,
Of the ceremonial law;
Finished all that God had promised;
Death and hell no more shall awe.
“It is finished, it is finished,”
Saints from hence your comfort draw.

“It is finished, it is finished,"

Saints from hence your comfort draw.

Tune your harps anew, ye seraphs;
Join to sing the pleasing theme;
Saints on earth and all in heaven,
Join to praise Immanuel’s name.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Glory to the bleeding lamb!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Glory to the bleeding lamb!

(words from It is Finished-Part II by Jonathan Evans & Benjamin Francis)

biRthdAy BoY, bUt nOT reALLy

2008-02-19T16:42:00.000-08:00

today is february 19th which officially makes joey 5...& 1/2. we do not typically acknowledge, much less celebrate half birthdays however, birthdays are a big, lets go with HUGE deal when you are in preschool. and this sucks if you happen to have a summer birthday because duh, you are unable to bring sweet treats to school to share with all of your buddies on that special day. THANK goodness for half birthdays for they solve the problem at hand. unfortunately they also seem to convince the child (in this case, joey) that there are now two very special days of the year that are to revolve completely around him, and only him. this year was a little better than last, as joey did not fight with me regarding the fact that he was sure he should receive presents on this day. however, i did awake to hear him singing in his bed, " happy half birthday to me..." kids....

LetS gO boiLeRS

2008-02-13T19:42:00.000-08:00

maybe its because i was born in indiana and the only thing (if we're to be honest) that they take seriously there is basketball, but for whatever reason, ive always loved this game. i played in highschool (no joke) and dont let my size deceive you, i wasnt all that bad. i definitely would have benefited from some added inches however i like to think i made up for it in scrappy-ness...though reality may have told a different story, i dont know. this being said, another consequence (a good one) of being born in lafayette, IN is that purdue has always been our team..my family's, that is. my entire history actually began on Purdue's campus as i was conceived in their married student housing facilities (again, no joke). my parents both graduated from purdue and being that the majority of my family has always lived in lafayette, purdue has just always been a staple in our family. in fact, when i graduated highschool, my first semester away was spent at purdue. i hated it, but i dont hold that against the school itself. so anyways, as you can see, my affinity towards the university has been a long-term one. unfortunately, there are not many benefits to being a purdue fan when it comes to sports. actually, the semester that i was there happened to be one of their best football seasons that theyve had in quite some time (its when drew brees played, anybody?) but still, in reality, when you wear any purdue paraphenelia around columbus, nobody even notices. however, and this is where i will synthesize my two previously stated objects of affection (basketball & purdue), this year may be different. oh yea, purdue basketball is pretty awesome and its the first time in forever where you can actually watch them and hope that they wont blow it, because they actually have recently proven that they are capable of not doing so. they are currently #1 in the Big Ten and just beat the nation's #8 & #9 teams. and an extra bonus...they are really young so they could potentially be good for a couple of years. i realize that just sounded like my grandpa who, every single season in every single sport, thought that despite reality, purdues potential was outlandish. but this year, he would have been on to something, i guess im just carrying on his tradition of utter optimism. and so, im excited. purdue will never have a dynasty like the buckeyes, i know this, but i guess that makes it a little more fun for some reason. you expect the buckeyes to be good, cuz they always are. however the goodness of purdue this year seems even more good (just go with it) because they are never good, if that makes any sense...go boilers!!

i WanT oNE

2008-02-05T06:07:00.001-08:00

check out this link...

pRidE (tHe goOd kiND)

2008-02-04T19:43:00.000-08:00

i have to take a moment to boast, if you will, as i conquered something last night that has been weighing me down for way too long. this is so trivial and mundane and really holds no merit as far as making it as a blog entry however i am so proud of my latest accomplishment that i feel the need to make it public knowledge. drumroll please...so, last night as i watched the superbowl (which was rather fantastic by the way) i took the piles of paperwork which i have let pile up over the last oh i dunno, 4 months? and i filed each and everyone of them. no big deal, your thinking to yourself? ok, thats fair enough for some however for me, not so trivial a matter. i really have a problem with the mail and receipts and important documents. they are forever accumulating in various piles around my house. i can more then likely tell you exactly which pile each and every paper is in but i simply refuse to file them as they come in. its stupid, i know. and then the thought of filing, i dont even know how to describe it. i literally hate the idea of it. like, once im doing it, its not so bad, but thinking about doing it...pure torture. and so i dont. and then 4 months go by and the situation just mulitplies... you get the picture. i feel like i can handle all other life chaos, i just need a secretary or something to handle all the stupid paperwork. geesh. so yes, i boast but feel as if it is warranted in this situation. after all, it may be next superbowl before i feel inspired enough to again file...

i'M goOd

2008-01-28T18:39:00.000-08:00

i dont really know where to start so ill just type and hopefully at some point it will all flow and make sense. and if not, i apologize in advance. i have recently found myself more and more often in this state of inadequacy. and it can be brought on by anything however it usually relates to people and how they seem to be so much more competent in this or that or for that matter this and that. im reading this book by Donald Miller, which i oh so highly recommend, and he puts this whole phenomenon in terms that make so much more sense then i could ever try to relate(not that im inadequate or anything...). he talks about that old lifeboat scenario with somebody having to be thrown out so that everyone else in the lifeboat will live. and so everybody comes up with lists and reasons as to what makes them qualifiable and good and worthy to escape being thrown out of the boat. he then relates this to life and says life is basically like a giant lifeboat in which we all walk around trying to prove ourselves to everyone else. even Christians do this, ok, maybe not all of you, but i do this (hence the reasons for my feelings of inadequacy). i am forever sizing myself up....intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, physically to whomever im around and because i tend to stray towards the "im worthless" side of the whole ego spectrum, im constantly running into this unworthiness feeling which is all-together stupid and unnecessary. ok, so all of this has been the dilemna. and the solution is obvious to the CHristian, yet takes awhile to truly incorporate it into the day to day (at least for me..) Miller seems to convey this solution better then me....

"...if it is true that our personalities are similar to the way they would be in a lifeboat, because of the fall of man, then Jesus would act and think completely different than we would. He would act and think like somebody who had their needs met by God, like somebody who had no regard for what we thought was important or not important. He would find the things humanity finds valuable and worthless absurd, and to the person in the lifeboat, Jesus would seem to see things backward." (from Searching For God Knows What)

so, Jesus has turned the way we look at everything: ourselves, others, the world, completely around and it is genious! i was reading the other day and came across Psalm 149:4. "For the LORD takes delight in His people." there are no qualifiers to that verse. thats amazing if you really think about it. God not only likes, but He takes pleasure in me just because He made me. i dont have to prove myself to Him. i dont have to talk smart or be smart or wear mascara or pray pretty prayers. nothing, i just am one of His and therefore, He delights. this has been good news. and im pretty sure that as soon as i walk into joey's preschool tomorrow my mind will start throwing inadequecy darts (that was a good one...) yet i pray that someday this Truth will cement itself into my soul...

sPidEr-GoD

2008-01-10T19:18:00.000-08:00

life with a 5 year old boy can be exhausting yet entirely entertaining, to say the least. we are constantly conversing about superheroes and superpowers and all this what not. i am somewhat ambivalent towards these discussions as im not a guy and i quite honestly just dont get the attraction towards fighting and killing and all of this. but i endure and even put forth a genuine effort at times to use these elusive superpowers in our ongoing, daily wars between the good and the bad. the other night joey asked me what superpower i was going to ask for when i got to heaven. it caught me offguard as id never contemplated this before and went with the generic invisibility trait. i was promptly informed that he would choose the power of webbing because he was pretty sure God uses this all the time. it sparked a rather interesting conversation and i came away fairly convinced that God may indeed retain the ability to web enemies if He so desires. ive thought about this way more then one would think throughout the last couple of days and have decided that i may start praying for God to enact this power in the here and now. i mean come on, if He has the ability to simply speak the entire universe into existance, i'm pretty sure that Joey is on to something in that He has the power to web our enemies if this is what He so chooses to do. i share this only to warn those who hold any animosity towards me and mine. there could be a day in the near future where you find yourself webbed. im just saying...

vAcaY viA pHotOs

2008-01-06T20:25:00.000-08:00

rather then attempt to describe the last 3 weeks of my life, i will lay it all out there in photo-form. its been crazy. tonight marks only the 3rd night since december 17th in which ive slept in my own bed. vacations are good but the fact that they come to an end is also good. it seems time for real life to begin again and im thankful to be home. the following pics are either from Georgia, Ohio, Maryland or Pennsylvania and yes, there is one of me on the very steps that Rocky himself ran up. i chose merely to sit however, just in case you are interested. anyways, merry christmas, happy new year, yadiyadiya...onto life as we know it.

dO iT

2007-12-21T09:00:00.000-08:00

so we've been visiting my brother in atlanta this week. having spent i dunno, 3 years here growing up, its kind of like "home." but kinda not too. anyways, one thing that we've never done here is go to the aquarium. they only built it a few years ago and we've not been able to make it the last couple of times we've been down. so we went yesterday. its fantastic. the only negative aspect about it is the price which is actually a bit ridiculous. it cost $47.50 for me and joey to get in the doors and then parking was another $10 but if you can get past this, it was amazing. they've got these crazy exhibits where you are actually walking under the "ocean" and there are huge hammerhead sharks and all the what not swimming above you. my personal fav was the otters, they are just so freaking fun and cute, but there was nothing especially special about the ones at the atlanta aquarium verses the ones ive seen at others. lets see, they have whales. they had 3 of them, but 2 have died. so they've got this huge tank with one beluga whale chillin in it. he's was pretty cute himself. oh, they've also got these japanese crabs. i have never heard of these things before, i almost feel like they genetically engineered them just for this exhibit. they are HUGE! like, they can grow to be the size of cars. no joke. but they are crabs, and it was all just very crazy to watch them and take them for real. so yea, we had fun. if you ever get down to the a.t.l, you should look into the aquarium. it for sure beats the coca-cola museum..

vErizOn rOckS

2007-12-14T17:55:00.000-08:00

i am not one to jump on the bandwagon with regards to brand loyalties and what not. i just dont. quite honestly everyone has their own opinions surrounding these types of things and nobody probably cares about my two cents (or is it sense..??). but, i feel the need to minimize my personal convictions regarding this matter for a minute or two and express my feelings regarding, yes, my cell phone company of choice. they are fantastic and i think everyone should indulge in the goodness that is verizon. ive felt this way for awhile now however my suspicions were more then confirmed to me last night. there are numerous reasons why i choose verizon but ultimately it boils down to their customer service. ive been a verizon customer for i dunno, 6 years, and ive never, ever encountered anyone in their customer service department who hasnt been friendly and helpful, in the go out of my way to be helpful type of way. props to them. so last night, i called to switch something and the guy asks me if i was interested in upping my minutes per month because id gone so far over. i was like what? as i never go over my minutes and thus dont keep any sorts of tabs on such things. so i told him id check out my bill and call him back. my bill was almost 300$ (as opposed to the usual 70$) for stupid reasons such as lengthy phone calls for insurance, school registration, blah blah blah. i panicked a little and called my boy back at verizon to discuss the situation at hand. i explained to him how i had no idea id gone so far over as id never done so in the past and basically asked him for some type of grace though i deserved it not a bit (hmm, sounds like real life). anywhoo, the guy comes immediatly back with, "let me take a look. yea, i can go ahead and take off half of the extra usage charges which would be $88 dollars, does that sound okay?" he simply busted out with that statement with no further questioning or disciplining or anything. i think i was a little bit in shock as id thought it was long shot to ask for any type of compensation whatsoever. absolutely it was ok, and thus my bill was reduced. i ramble, and perhaps all cell phone companies are as generous as this, i dont know ive not dealt with the others. but this last experience has only been the most recent of all the many extremely helpful and generous ones that ive had with verizon and i just wanted to give them a little shout out. not that they need it, but still. there thats all. ive said my peace (piece??) and will leave it at that. (please note: thats not really me in the picture...)

suLLeN & dOwnTrodDen

2007-12-04T19:44:00.000-08:00

i would first like to thank dane for this post's title...moving on: i am most definitely growing up as that which i am about to write would not have taken place at anytime previosly in my life. hmm, maturity? nah..anyways, as is common knowledge, i am nearly 2 semesters away from obtaining my bachelors degree. yay! and that makes me happy. however, as i near completion, i find the urge to just get it done with already. its taken forever and im just ready to be done. and so i readily confess as having adopted this mindset at various times throughout my career as a student. to further explain, my mentality, at times, has been more a focus on getting it done or getting "the" grade as opposed to actually doing the best that i can do. most recently, this was my outlook as i wrote the first of two, 10 page research papers which were due this semester. i turned this first paper in over the past weekend and although i spent tons of time on it, i knew it wasnt my best effort, in fact it sucked. it may have been in the half-ass category as i hated the majority of this class and just wanted to get a decent grade on the paper to pass. so, as i checked the gradebook today, i at first smiled. well, smirked would be more appropriate as id obtained a relatively decent grade with a relativey half-ass effort. a "B," which when adopting the mentality that id adopted in this course, is by all means decent. ok, so then i went to the actual paper which had been revised by the professor. this is where the sullen-ness/downtrodden-ness began to set in. after a well-deserved critique highlighting the areas where this paper fell short, this comment was made: "I fear that you fell short of the mark expected at this level of academics." ouch. that one hurt. ive never received anything like this before. my initial reaction was to try and slough(?) it off because what the heck, i still got a b. but this is where the whole maturity factor comes into play. as this comment really started to settle, i realized how deserving of it i was. the paper sucked. i rushed to complete it, not to make it good. and although i accomplished my original goal of attaining a decent grade, the aftermath of half-assing is no longer worth it. my conscience has been penetrated, and through a stupid research paper mind you. this is trivial, no doubt, however not so trivial with regards to our ultimate purpose in life. bringing glory to our Creator through all things, even a seemingly meaningless, long, confusing assignment. this is why i think im sullen and downtrodden. i did not my best, nor did i even try. and i am sad about that. im kind of even a little sadder because i have but another 10 page paper which is due in 10 days. and as much as id planned on just getting this one over and done with so that i can enjoy the holidays, i no longer will have this mindset(thats why im kind sad:) ).... enter pep talk: i will finish this one with integrity. as i work, ill seek to finish to be able to say, and i close with yet another[clean version] dane quote " i did my best...i did my freaking best"

GoD iS So vEry GoOd...

2007-11-27T19:16:00.000-08:00

...thats all

tRisTe

2007-11-20T18:46:00.000-08:00

this means sad in espanol. originally, the title posted was cansada but upon further reflection i thought i should double check that translation, for its been awhile since ive brushed up on my spanish. good thing i did so as cansada means tired which is not the word i was going for. i was looking for sad, as tonite, i am sad. and thus, the introduction to this blog: triste (sad).

tonite marks the end to nearly half a decade spent with jack, our yellow lab. aww, jack. i wouldn't honestly say hes been a good dog. faithful, yes. companion, yes. energetic, yes. good, not so much. and this isnt jacks fault altogether, id like to blame some of it on his breed. labs are crazy, pure and simple. they need room to run, owners to walk, and an original onslaught of discipline to set them on the right course. jack has had none of that for awhile so taken this and the fact that he is a lab, disaster seems to strike all too often. i have so struggled with this decision, and in saying this, i mean its been a good 3 years of should i keep him or shouldn't i? however every time i ponder this question i think futuristically in that he has got to calm down someday. yet, how many years am i going to continue to ponder this question which seemingly yields the same results year after year? jacks not going to calm down and to his credit, its not really his fault. and so, ive had to come to terms with reality and have made decisions accordingly. i just cant deal with him anymore. i take that back, i could deal with him, however id have to get rid of joey and thats just not an option. and so jacks out. and i wallow in a little guilt yet in alot of relief at the thought of having this stressor out of my life. and God takes care of even these little details in life as jack is being taken by my (ex?) in-laws. so, not only will he be going to a good home, but he will also be able to be visited by joey, which was a crucial determinant in this whole decision making processo (yes, that was spanish again). and so, i believe triste is completely indicative of my mood at the present moment as tonite is my last night with jack. i will miss him ever so much(at times) because hes been a great dog and its a very sad thing to have to leave soemthing you love. however, i will leave it at that for if i begin to list all of the reasons that have led me to this decision, i will no longer be triste, i will be loco and that doesnt need to happen on his last night here...

siGn of Old AgE?

2007-11-15T08:37:00.000-08:00

i believe i've received proof that attests to the fact that i am officially old, or at least am past the point of birthdays being exciting, long anticipated events. this is how i know: last night my mom watched joey for me while i was at small group. i came home and she had cleaned my bathroom, mopped my floors, and was just finishing a general cleaning of the house. you really have no idea how excited this made me. no, im serious, i could not think of a better birthday present then this! so... after deeper reflection into this matter, ive determined that this situation is a pretty good indication that i am slowly, yet ever so surely getting old. no longer are the gifts, cakes, and dinners what i want for my annual celebration of birth. nope, after last night i realized that there is something out there which is so much more exciting to receive as a birthday gift: a clean house (with no efforts of my own). thats pathetic, albeit reality. here's to old age:)

siSteRs?!

2007-11-11T20:18:00.001-08:00

this time last year i remember writing, rather posting, about the upcoming birth of my little sister. nearly a year later, im amazed at how much i love her. not that i didnt think id love her this time last year, i just thought it be kind of like an aunt/niece type of relationship which logistically i guess it is, but in some crazy, surreal way, i love her in this odd, sisterly-type of love. this next week we (the sisters..) will both be celebrating birthdays. allie will be one on tuesday, i will be 27 on thursday(although im still well aware of the fact that i look nearly a decade younger). i am rather split as to how i feel about turning yet another year older. at first thought, i panic, just a little. only because even though 27 is far from old, it seems like at 27 you should have your life together. and i dont have my life together. however, i have learned that the only way to truly have your life together is in admitting that you don't and can't have your life together without the infusion of the Gospel, so therefore i guess in a sense i do have my life together:) after the tinge of panic subsides, i feel a true sense of gratitude when i think about my 27th birthday. holy cow, ive got so freaking much to be thankful for, i dont even know where id start. and while id never have thought that id be where i am at this point in my life, i cant honestly say that id change any of it. only because i can see this thread thats been threaded(for lack of a better word) throughout my entire life and at times i can see glimpses of the bigger picture God is working on. taking any little part out, it wouldnt work and so i dont think id change a thing. and an even bigger reason as to why im grateful for this 27th year is because now ive got this little sis with which i can impart all of this real life knowledge. its different from being a parent, although kind of the same i guess. the same in that you love this little one so so much that you take wisdom you've learned in your life and try your very hardest to impart it to them in hopes that they won't have to hurt in ways you've hurt. but its different in that im in a much cooler position to impart this wisdom as i am her sister and not her mom. that ranks when it comes to listening. i ramble, but i guess my point is that ive fallen in love with allie and i pray that the 26 years ive got on her will benefit her in some way...

sPidErmAn

2007-10-31T18:54:00.000-07:00

a brief recap of the night: we had a last minute costume change with spiderman winning out over the red power ranger. good call as the red power ranger was what we went with last year. variety is a good thing, yet a hard thing to learn. lets see...halloween was good. good night. good weather. good neighborhood. good pumpkins (if i do say so myself...) good friends. good candy (ive got a new fav...candy coated mini hershey kisses..fantastic little morsels). good things.

noTe To sElf...

2007-10-29T19:11:00.000-07:00

"....I trust Him so much that I do not doubt He will provide whatever I need for body and soul, and He will turn to my good whatever adversity He sends me in this sad world. He is able to do this because He is Almighty God; He desires to do this because He is a Faithful Father."

from Heidelberg Catechism, Q&A 26

qUotE oF THe [yEstEr] DaY

2007-10-11T07:58:00.000-07:00

"That car sure has a bunch of tattoos on it"

-joey

ThiS Is disGUsTinG

2007-09-30T17:42:00.000-07:00

seriously, dont proceed any further if you have a weak stomach. i usually am not crude regarding my choices of blogging subjects and i will attempt to spare the nasty details in this one, i just feel compelled to share this story. the warnings been warned, thus i continue....alright. everybody knows that labs eat anything, or if you dont, labs eat anything. it is amazing what my dog jack has ingested and then later deposited in some form. but this one breaks all records as far as im concerned(although i just remembered his consumption of glass from a casserole dish that he'd knocked down to eat that which it had contained however, i still think this one may trump it) . last may i made blueberry muffins (i only remember it was may because i had to bake them for something specific, in case you wonder..) anyways,among my very limited arsenal of kitchen what nots, i had these plastic muffin tin things. they are re-usable and thus negate the need for those little paper muffin holders.they are hard plastic which is a very important detail to this story as the morning after my baking adventure i awoke to find that jack had jumped up on the counter and consumed what was remaining of my fresh batch of blueberry muffins. their were remnants of the plastic containers here and there but they were all torn apart and i didn't think much of it. he was sick a couple times that day but this is typical when he eats what he at times chooses to eat. the past couple of months jack has just had some random health issues which have been minor yet at the same time confusing as hes only 5 and up to this point has been a healthy dog. so lets go ahead and fast forward to a couple nights ago. i was in the backyard doing my routinely picking up of jacks wastes (that was quite a pleasant way to put it i think..) and i went to scoop some up and i am not kidding you, a whole muffin container was in the midst of it. not fragmented or halved or in pieces. it was entirely intact. this thing has been in his digestive system for 5 freaking months. no wonder hes been sick. so i post this not to disgust but as im somewhat in awe of a)how stupid of a dog i have, which ive known for some time. and b) what an iron stomach he must have. let this be a lesson to all you lab owners out there. be leery of leaving around plastic muffin containers. they apparently are hard to destroy

GrRrrRrr

2007-09-23T17:48:00.000-07:00

for some reason i find myself very irritable most sunday nights. for various reasons which normally surround a certain five year old who upon becoming tired, somehow is able to reach into this mysterious energy reserve that he must have and thus is exploding with even more noise and more movement and more jumping and more questions then usual which seem to come to an apex right around 8:00 sunday night. and thus, im usually cranky. tonite im downright pissed(which actually has nothing to do with joey...). i came out of church to my car and had another parking ticket. another is in reference to the two that were found under my windshield wipers last week after attending a small group(perhaps i should quit going to church...). ive never received a parking ticket (speeding yes, parking, no) in my life and have now gotten three of them in the last week and a half. and the one received last week, was legit i suppose. i misread one of the signs which said permit parking only after 6pm. fair enough. however the 2nd one was with regards to my not having a license plate on the front of my car which i understand is a state law. i have one on the back, but my car didnt come with brackets for a front license plate and i dont know, its just not been a high item on my priority list to search out where to find them. apparently it should have been as the ticket i got tonite was for the same thing and now i will have payed 80$ as a result of not having done so. and thus i vent....in the whole scheme of life it really is no big deal, it just added to my sunday night crankiness this week...if someone knows where to get brackets, let me know...

**note: the crankiness has subsided as a result of the following incident which took place about 2 minutes ago. although im sure its onset was the result of an attempted stall tactic, it was effective. joey just came out and asked me if i knew what he had just prayed about. i said no and he told me he just had asked God if when he got to heaven, God would give him a big hug. apparently i was in need of a reminder of what really is important....

wEll PrOtecTeD

2007-09-17T06:08:00.000-07:00

need i say more?

cHapTeR ClosED

2007-09-09T17:56:00.000-07:00

although it seems like comparing specific time periods of one's life to chapters in a book seems so cliche, the more that ive thought about it, the better the analogy becomes. a chapter does not make a book, however without each and every one of them, there would be no book. as in life. the specific events taking place within a time period of one's life do not make them who they are, it is only with the integration of each and every chapter that one grows and develops and becomes who exactly they were created to be. the good, the bad, the pretty, the ugly, all of these can be found in virtually every chapter or time period, some being much harder to spot, no doubt, and yet not one of these attributes in and of itself has the capacity to define a book or a life. for that i am thankful, as i have been officially able to close a chapter of my life of which i would cringe if it alone had the capacity to define me.... a little over a year ago i was faced with the reality that id have to find something with which to supplement my financial situation. no big deal, yet as i pondered as to what i could do, i realized i had but one option in regards to having any experience.. waitressing. after quickly solidifying a job, i realized that it had been awhile since id been engulfed within the "real world" or within life outside my little sheltered bubble. i figured it was time for me to get out there and to live this Gospel out as now, i thought, i really got it. i guess in a way, i thought id arrived spiritually as id "overcome" many sins which had at one time strangled the hell out of me. id experienced grace in its magnificent power and in its love and in its utter goodness. i was changed, i was ready to go. yea, those ideals didnt last long. as i re-entered the world that id once been enmeshed in, i found that all those tendencies i once had hadn't necessarily disappeared altogether. i was once again drawn to things which i thought id conquered, or at least thought no longer carried any merit to me. and it was a battle. id fall and then come crawling back to the cross, utterly confused as to why, after all i knew in regards to Christ's love, that i still was choosing to forsake Him for me. yet i would work through it only to fall even harder. these battles have ensued sporatically throughout the last year. the same cycle has been repeated....i would feel id gotten my act together never to return to doing "this" or "that" again, i'd find myself in the midst of "this" or "that", i'd wake up the next day entrenched in shame and self-hate and despair, and then id start the slow process (which was most often led by another..) of repenting and truly accepting God's grace. each time the last step of the process seemed to continually take longer and longer as i could not imagine being embraced, yet again, by a God who i was continually choosing to spit upon in the same, hideous manner. this process is still fresh and raw in my mind and still at times, leads me to despair as i think about how ugly my heart is. however, God has even provided grace in the midst of my own sin, my own denial of Him. a situation arose all of a sudden where i found myself in a financial position of not needing to waitress anymore and because of some crazy details, having to actually dispose of some income. it was an out. i was in the position of being able to remove myself from a place that id found was so hard for me to maintain the truth of that which i am and believe. thus, i put in my notice and as of last night, im able to officially close this most recent chapter of my life. to simply leave it at that is rather depressing. for if i look back over the past year when compared to other years, it sucked as id have to assess it could not have been one in which id grown spiritually as look at all of the regrets which stem from it. however, upon a deeper examination, hope begins to surface. had i not been exposed to that which i was, i may have never been able to realize the utter despicability (i think i may have made that word up) of that which is my heart. living in my little bubble did not give me the outlets to test the true longings of my heart and so i may easily have developed into a haughty, holier then thou type of person (which i suppose is still a possibility). yet my heart has been revealed throughout the past year which is humbling and insightful and awful and yet somehow hopeful. its given me perspective on those idols of which i cling to so tightly that i am able to forsake anything to attain them. its shown me areas of which id once thought i could control yet absolutely cannot. its been eye-opening. and so, as this chapter has closed, the next is staring me in my face. the hope that has surfaced is a result of believing that God will not let the last 12 months fade into history without using them tremendously. through His grace, my sin has been revealed with which i believe He will lead me on yet another journey to again experience His love. and so, im thankful for this last chapter of my life as ugly as it may have been, for it is not the final chapter. it is only but a piece of that which will make up the story of my life and my guess is that the grace of God will work it all to good.

tRue TrUE

2007-09-05T11:44:00.000-07:00

SO BEAR WITH ME

I’M A MESSED UP FREAK

I LOVE MYSELF AND HATE MYSELF

A THOUSAND TIMES A WEEK

BEAR WITH ME

I’M A FOOL, A FREAK

I’LL VISIT HELL

BE A MUTE, THEN YELL

AND YOU WILL WANT TO LEAVE

BUT PLEASE BEAR WITH ME

(lyrics from Bear With Me

by Adam Watts)

there are many times when trying to come up with words which accurately describe your internal state of affairs is an impossible task. ive found that in so many of these times, the best outlet in which to turn is that of music. i can hear a song over and over, as ive done with this one and though i liked it, even enjoyed it, it was just a song. but then, in the midst of this past week, i heard it again and it was like i was hearing it for the first time. adam watts (whose every lyric seems completely applicable to me) apparently was able to take all of my un-verbalized (?) thoughts and then organize them into a tangible, audible arrangement which does a fantastic job at portraying that which i had previosly felt was an impossibility to portray to those on the outside. its subjective im sure and what resonates so clearly to me through the above transcribed words may fall on deaf ears to others who read them through. however, had i been required to collaborate my thoughts and sentiments of this past week, i could not have done a better job.

Oh yeA, itS leGiT

2007-09-04T19:42:00.000-07:00

there have been a few discrepencies of late which have been brought to my attention with regards to my school of attendence, that being Liberty University. im not one to staunchly defend the Flames (yea, Flames..), as my one and only reason for choosing this school was that they had a distance learning program which would upon completion, earn a bachelors degree in psychology. however, as time goes on, my allegiances have grown stronger and i just feel the need to prove to those who view LU as simply an online college, that it is oh so much more then that. indeed, LIberty University has a fully functioning campus which includes activities such as NCAA football, baseball, and basketball, just to name a few. they are members of the Big South COnference which although i have never heard of, im pretty sure that it certainly sounds official. although i have yet to attend an official football game, i find it incredibly impressive that not only do the players run out in the midst of the marching bands presence but also that they run through actual flames (see above pic) representing well their identity. so, for all you doubters who've questioned the credibility of Liberty University, i hope this answers any and all of your doubts. the flames are certainly a viable part of what makes up the NCAA and perhaps someday they will indeed make a sportscenter highlight or two...(by the way, the link ive posted will take you straight to a page where you can download LU football wallpaper for your computer, just in case you're interested...)

i'Ve cAveD

2007-08-23T21:22:00.000-07:00

okay. so i moved here over 4 years ago. my first impression of columbus was initially built upon the fantatical fanbase that makes the city up. seriously, i felt the buckeye fans of columbus were essentially what made columbus what it was, and that was crazy. i was shocked to see the dedication and the energy and the pure craziness that ensued during football season. and i vowed to never succomb to the pressures of cheering for OSU. i refused, at the time to fall into this chaos and held on staunchly to my position for some time. however, it must be, as one person put it, a matter of osmosis because towards the end of last football season i felt my defenses dropping. ever so slightly mind you, but dropping nonetheless. for instance, last season's michigan game had my stomach in knots. i was not about to admit this to anyone, yet at that moment i realized that this could only be the beginnings of becoming a fan. i attempted to put a wall back up, but have since decided its fruitless. im in. im part of the phenomena that encompasses the OSU buckeyes. am i proud of it? not necesarily, yet it is truth. i actually bought joey a buckeye jersey the other day at the store and sought out information only today on how to acquire a ticket or two for the upcoming season. this is nonsense, yet its addicting nature has sucked me in and i will now publically state that i am one of them..go bucks!

diE to liVe?

2007-08-21T12:55:00.000-07:00

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me"

Mark 8:34

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain"

Philippians 1:21

it is late and after beginning yet another semester of school today, my brain is tired. therefore, the following may not make one bit of sense. yet i feel the need to write anyways. the preceding verses that i've quoted have been quite mysterious to me until recently. i always had a general sense of what they meant, yet nothing concrete came to mind as i'd read over them. until now. i now know, through my own recognition and wrestling with sin, what verses such as these are referring to. and as ive come to recognize their meaning as well as their significance for my life, i must honestly say they were easier to internalize when i didn't quite grasp their entire meaning. for i've come to realize how incredibly hard it is to die to myself, thus living for Christ. i am hoping, for my sake, that this dying to self is a process (and quite a slow one in my own case) and not a one time decision for if it is, im screwed. ive come to understand, for me, that it is a decision that has to be made quite often, sometimes daily, sometimes even hourly. and that even after that decision has been made, the soul can backfire, negating the original decision all together. its been a realization that i don't put Christ first in certain areas of my life despite what i've confessed. and its facing this realization that seems to be the hardest part. ive recognized the areas where i do live for myself, refusing to die, and now wrestle with how to transform my heart into one that is truly denying itself and following Christ. i am hoping that for others this is a journey as well and not a one time deliverance type of thing, only i guess to validate my own experiences. i am also hoping that a transformation is possible and am trying to place the hope that it is in the power of God and not in myself. im not there. a pretty good indication of where i find myself at times is portrayed in complete and utter accuracy in the following lyrics:
"I would but cannot rest, in God's most holy will; I know what He appoints is best, and murmer at it still. I murmer at it still."

(lyrics from Help my Unbelief)

my only choice is to cling to the hope that "He who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6). this hope, this transformation, and this power are not of my own doings and only because of this can i continue to hope, for left to my own devices, its a hopeless cause. so then, im hoping this made some sort of sense as my brain at this point is numb.

i liKe tHis guY

2007-07-26T19:37:00.000-07:00

my opinion surrounding kirk herbstreit bears no relevance whatsoever in society at large, yet based on my two (all be them extremely limited) encounters with the guy, i feel the need to submit it anyways. thumbs up to this guy as far as im concerned. i know he happens to be a local celebrity here, around columbus, which in actuality takes him down a few notches in my book as OSU grads and fans can be and are quite annoying (although this is slowly but quite surely changing as my time in columbus extends...). that being said, my opinion regarding him began to unfold probably 7 or 8 months ago after he and his family dined at moretti's, my former and current place of employment. he and his wife came in and ate dinner with their 4 boys...all of them probably under 7 years old or so. even if it had not been the herbstreit fam, they would have impressed the heck out of me because of how freaking well behaved every one of their boys was. im sure my respect and awe stems from the fact that i have one of these little energy balls and the fact that all four of them were respectful and patient and looked me in the eye when they spoke and minded their ps and qs is something to be applauded. i dont know, it just seemed like a cool family to me, one who had certainly not let the fame and fortune (even if it is rather local) go to their head. their tip was rather generous as well (which didn't hurt in terms of the formation of my opinion). so anyways, time passed and i didnt think much about the herbstreits until a week or so ago at work. im setting up the patio outside (umm, duh) and i notice this guy pulling one of those ride behind the bike seats that holds 2 little kids, and then 2 older kids following him on their own bikes. they all pull over and park their bikes on the sidewalk and head on into the local icecream shop. as they came back out i looked again and low and behold, its the herbstreits, but only kirk with his 4 boys on a father/son bike outing. how cute is that? this, perhaps because i am a woman, just seemed to grab my heart as i realized that he just seems like such a great dad. now, my opinion is based on somewhat limited observations of the guy and could be a total misread, but i think it is a fair assumption to say that amidst all the espn college gameday hoopla, kirk truly loves his kids as he a)has taught them the ins and outs of respect and manners and b)gives them the time of day (even if it was only the one day in which i happened to see him all together). these and only these are what i have formulated my opinion on, i know nothing else about this local celeb. so until otherwise proven to me, kirk herbreit is a swell guy:)

hMmm...

2007-07-15T19:44:00.000-07:00

perhaps it is because ive always been on the "moving" end of things, the one leaving and transitioning into something, somewhere new or maybe its because until recently ive always had an ability to flee from any emotions that begin to make their way to the surface, or it may be because ive never experienced again, until recently, friendships that are real and deep and meaningful but whatever the reason, im experiencing a transition that is really hard. im thinking that the third proposition is most likely the culprit as the past 4 years have opened my eyes to what true friendship and love looks like. community, rather Christ's community is a beautiful thing and friendships cultivated through time result in a love that runs deep. which is why tonite seems particularly hard. the hicks family has moved this weekend. although it is only cincinnati to which they've gone, i guess the reality that they will no longer be within 20 minutes of a last minute ice cream social or a random lunch meeting is sinking in. i am unable to adequately describe what this family has meant to joey and me the last couple of years other then just that, family. im suspecting those who've experienced Christ's love through His people in the past, probably have a little glimpse into those who are moving on.... they are truly examples of Christ's love expressed here on earth and i am so thankful for all of them. i know that i will see them often as well as eternally, and this is all very good. reality stands though and i will miss them and miss them dearly. love to you all....

thOrnS

2007-07-10T10:29:00.000-07:00

"there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness' "
2 Corinthians 12:7-9

so i have a thorn. thorns can probably have multiple identities, mine is of human form. i keep thinking that its been pulled out and yet there are consistent reminders that it is still there. it is most surely tormenting at times and ive had many a convo's with God asking Him to take it far away. and He has, on certain terms, which rest in His hands. He continually takes this thorn further and further away yet inklings of it still exist. and so as it resurfaces each time in smaller and smaller doses, i need to remember that thorns exist for a reason. they are not meant as only a source of torment, though they can feel as if this is their sole purpose. no, they are avenues of experiencing only more of God's grace. they are circumstances which strengthen our faith. i need to believe this, which i do not do most of the time. but i need to come back to it. for only His grace is sufficient. His power is perfect and its through weaknesses and thorns that that power can and will be displayed. so here's to thorns and to the only power capable of their destruction (who just happened to be wearing a crown of them upon His death, hmm...)

i cAnt dO iT

2007-06-24T19:10:00.000-07:00

i have certain days where the weight of responsibility to raise a little boy into a Godly man seems to overwhelm me. to be entirely honest, there are days (seemingly tied to hormones for they come every month at just about the same time) where all of life's responsibilities seem inconquerable yet ive learned this is just a little emotional cycle that i go through and usually am able to wait it out until things return to being bearable, which they always do. yet the task of trying to raise a son to love God, to respect people, to love his neighbors, to not burp and explode in laughter and ask everyone within earshot if theyve heard him, to sit quietly and respectfully in church, to not cheat, to protect his loved ones, to share, to embrace purity, to forgive, to understand grace, etc... of these, i find myself apprehensive of nearly every day. how can i, not even being a man myself and certainly not understanding why they are the way that they are (at times) raise one of them and do it successfully? i think that ive found the answer to my question: i can't. im merely human and completely underqualified for the task at hand. yet, i believe that Joey will become a Godly man because i have faith in the God who created him and His power is great, so great in fact that it will overcome any and all weaknesses in me (of which there are way too many to count). i alone am incapable of this great task, yet God has asked that we trust Him to fill our voids. i do have days, many in fact, where i feel like this uphill journey has gotten the best of me. but i cant lose faith in my God who's power is made perfect in my weakness. i can't lose faith for myself, but also for the little life entrusted to me. my faith in this situation is my greatest weapon as i can't do it. thank God though that He can...

anD AlliE

2007-06-17T19:57:00.000-07:00

(does she not look the gerber's baby?)

liTtle viCtoRieS

2007-06-17T19:18:00.000-07:00

im not sure, but i think i may have missed my calling in life. let me explain... i was mistaken in my last post about this past weekend's festivities including croquet. that was not on the agenda, however a horseshoe tournament was. coming into this weekend, i was not aware of how the game of horseshoes was played. id known of the game, but it was all hypothetical to me as id never actually seen or experienced it played before. so when i was told that id been paired up with somebody for the weekend's big tourney, i felt i was going into this whole thing rather blindly. i had no idea what to expect. let me further let you know that down where we were, there are some serious, kick-ass horseshoe players. this is no understatement, these people take there horseshoe play seriously. it was intimidating no doubt. yet, perhaps i work best under pressure because despite all of these obstacles that i faced, i was able to perservere. so anyways, we start the tournament around 2 saturday afternoon. there are brackets pre-arranged ( it kinda felt like the ncaa tournament a little..) and my partner (J.P...who is Radonna's stepbrother) are up first game. keep in mind, id never held a horseshoe before, and it certainly showed. although my partner was able to keep the game tight, we ended up losing 21-17 or something like that. if anyone cares to know the details of the rules involved in horseshoes, just call me, ill spare you right now. lucky for us, this tournament is double elimination. so we move into the loser's bracket. needless to say, it was a few hours before we were up again as the rest of the teams had there go at it. losers were placed in the loser's bracket (duh) and winner's kept on going. this is the turning point in the story. J.P. and i were rounded up around 5 to begin play in the loser's bracket. i don't know if it was the couple hour break or if it was all the acrewed knowledge id gotten watching everyone else play, but something began to click, and we, well, we freakin rocked. granted, J.P. definently carried most of the weight, i did contribute here and there, and 4 wins later we found ourselves winners of the loser's bracket which meant we were to face the winners of the winners bracket for the championship. this just happened to be radonna and her brother which made for a bitter family rivalry, well not really, but my dad did have a tough time choosing who to cheer for. because they had yet to lose, we had to beat them twice. we were nearly losing light at this point as it was close to 8, yet we were still holding strong. the first game was back and forth, a real nail-biter, yet J.P. and i pulled through barely escaping with a 21-19 victory. second game starts and we were out for the kill, as was proven early as we both threw ringers (yes, i know this is horseshoe lingo, but i am a horseshoe player now and can use it.) which means we got the horseshoe around the little pole thing which gave us a 10-0 lead. another rule,which again u can ask me later if u really care about, led us to skunk them after scoring 1 more point thereby winning the entire tournament. it was fantastic. there were no fireworks or anything as we scored the last point, although im surprised there weren't quite honestly just b/c of the importance this game holds to these people. there were no trophies either for the winners, but there were lottery tickets, like 10 of them that we split. i actually won 7$ for my efforts and cashed them in this morning, which was another first for me, id never won in the lottery before. so, in conclusion, it was a weekend of firsts. it was exciting and fun and has led me to believe that i may need to consider quitting school once again and pursue my career in horseshoes.

vaCay

2007-06-14T12:07:00.000-07:00

its almost amusing to look back and see how your perspective on certain things change as time goes on. i guess it depends on where you are in life and what not, but here is a classic example of this. i am leaving today to go to West Virginia to spend the weekend with my stepmom's family. there is barely anything planned, except for this big family gathering on saturday which festivities include cooking out, swimming, and perhaps some croquet. other then that there is nothing on the agenda. and i could not be more excited. add to this the fact that i just finished the revision of a paper which upon its conclusion, concluded my first set of classes for this semester. i've got nothing doing school wise till monday. last night i worked my last shift at moretti's until next tuesday. my responsiblities have vanished for a couple of days and i feel, well, i think blissful would be an appropriate word. there couldn't be a better way to spend a responsiblity-less weekend then doing absolutely nothing in the midst of some beautiful countryside. im siked. the amusment comes from the fact that a few years ago, a weekend of nothing would have been the furthest thing in my mind from a vacation. vacation once meant stuff to do, things to go see, places to go... right now in my life, that just seems stressful! and so times have changed, as have i, although im sure they will again...

AslAn

2007-06-07T19:38:00.000-07:00

"And so the girls did what they would never have dared to do without his permission, but what they had longed to do ever since they first saw him-buried their cold hands in the beautiful sea of fur and stroked it and, so doing, walked with him."

from...The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe..by C.S. Lewis

i'm not really sure why, but as Joey and i were reading this book tonight, these words brought tears to my eyes. this image of a strong and scary lion who yearned for those who feared him to be close, close enough to touch him is such a powerful one to me. in all the hoopla surrounding Christ's love and affection, i sometimes forget that He is still this mighty warrior who fights real fights and is all-powerful and all-dominant. these characteristics seemingly clash with the docile lover He is so often portrayed as but no, He is both. power and love. good yet dangerous. and He desires us to come closer to Him, to touch Him, to feel Him. all the while, He fights for me, for my protection, for my life. props to c.s lewis for such an accurate portrayal of He who is our Lord.

eXPosUre

2007-05-31T20:28:00.000-07:00

ive been thinking alot lately about being exposed. it is a very good thing in so many situations. for instance, jobs. you get the right exposure, do your thing, you move up. exposure in sports...same deal, you get seen, you meet people, success comes. and yet when exposure happens at a deeper, personal level, it can suck. i dont really want people to know me, at the deepest levels of who i am, cuz its ugly and its so much better to hide it all. i think for me, the last 5 or 6 years have been so incredibly easy to get away with hiding behind this facade which inhibits exposure. theres been a great force in my life that has seemingly been able to cast a shadow over me and has enabled me to hide the crap. well, God's removed this shadow and ive been cast into the light. it ain't pretty. it can seem pretty for awhile, but having nobody to hide behind anymore, that prettiness does not last long. thus, ive been exposed. and initially it sucks. everybody wants people to think they've got their stuff together, well perhaps not everybody but i do. then the truth comes out and the demise is shattered. its exposure at its finest and it starts to seem like exposure in and of itself is overrated. yet im beginning to realize that this ugliness revealed, that true life exposed is what has the potential to bring about even more freedom then ive already experienced. note that i said im beginning to realize this, its not a done deal yet, and i could still potentially take this statement back completely. there is grace though even when those ugly, ugly hidden parts of us seep out into the surface. i see the potential for good things, very good things. i will keep you posted as im thinking i may eventually conclude that even this deepest facet of exposure is ultimatly good as well...

poTentiAL

2007-05-24T19:19:00.000-07:00

joey was given full reign in decorating magna's cake this year. and its a beaut. i really think he may have a future in cake decoration. the whole glob technique, it works.

a mOnth??

2007-05-18T18:52:00.000-07:00

i only realized upon logging on that it has been nearly a month since i last posted. my apologies. im still trying to figure out how a whole month has gone by, wierd. anyways, today was Joey's end of the year preschool extraveganza at the local park. it was utter chaos as kids were just running rampant all over the place. definently a success though as an open area to run and be goofy is really all that a four year old could possibly want. a month or so ago Joey started talking about, ever so nonchalantly, this certain girl at school who he confided in me to be his "special friend." weeks passed with her name being brought up every so often and then he started talking marriage, which i felt was a little premature. we talked that out and after i further explained that he could not marry me either(as apparently i was his second choice..) he seemed fine with leaving the relationship status quo, simply as classmates and friends. well today, i found him to be still a little smitten as is evidenced in the picture above...this is new ground in the whole parenting thing as i thought that the whole boy/girl thing had its onset at a much later age. apparently, i was wrong...

hOPe??

2007-04-19T18:27:00.000-07:00

the top 4 headlines tonight on my homepage were as follows:

NBC: Cho prepared for rampage We're getting a better picture of just how heavily armed Cho Seung-Hui was — a further sign of how much he had done in advance of the shootings to prepare himself for his rampage. NBC's Pete Williams reports.
Abortion ruling raises questions
OKC marks bombing anniversary
36 Calif. schools under lockdown

those are peaceful thoughts to go to sleep with...i think that they are a pretty good indication of the state of affairs in our world today. and the thoughts that keep going through my mind in the wake of the latest tragedy is how anyone could go through life without the hope of Christ? it seems incomprehenisble to me to try to wade through the day to day without something more to hope in. it also, from my standpoint, seems like a no-brainer. even if the only reason that one would put their faith in Christ is for an ultimate hope to cling to, it seems like that would be a good enough reason to do so. what else is there? i mean really? when your met with these headlines, the state of the world is obvious. its depressing. and really scary. its sad. its hopeless. how could you justify living in it without something to assure you that there is some ultimate good out there. and even though the situation is currently tainted, you can be sure that good will ultimatly win out. there will be a day where we won't be met with such headlines of such horrific events. justice will be maintained. good will conquer. why wouldn't you cling to this? through CHrist, "we have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" (Hebrews 6:19) and i just would not want to face the chaos of this world without it. it doesnt take tragedy away, it simply assures that redemption will reign supreme. there will have a happy ending...

aN odE to jOY

2007-04-15T17:20:00.000-07:00

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;

I trace the rainbow through the rain,

And feel the promise is not vain,

That morn shall tearless be.

(lyrics from O Love That WIll Not Let Me Go)

i could not have conveyed this facet of God's love more clearly. these words resound truth. not some hypothetical truth but a truth that is real and experiential and good. only after embracing the free gift of grace will this joy begin to permeate each and every situation. its not always found in abundance, yet when the Cross becomes the crux of one's being, joy will be there in some form. and then as time goes on and you are reminded of the traces of joy found within and amongst all of your darkest nights you somehow are filled with even more of it as you realize just how Good and Gracious this Loving God of yours is...

mE, jOey, & aUnt AlliE

2007-04-14T17:46:00.000-07:00

A SiMpLe, siNcEre JoY

2007-04-12T17:38:00.000-07:00

so, ive been sitting here at the computer putting some final thoughts into place on a paper that ive still yet to finish(although im really really close...). as interesting as it is, ive found myself completely distracted and entirely entertained by listening to the ongoing sounds emerging from Joey's room. he's cracking me up, as in literally, there have been a few occasions throughout the last 60 minutes where i've actually been laughing out loud to myself. 4 year old boys still manage to be goofballs even when they are all by themselves. he's been singing "head and shoulders knees and toes" for about 45 minutes and after each and every verse he somehow finds something hilariously funny and explodes into a bout of laughter which is promptly followed by another go of "head and shoulders, knees and toes" its funny, and somehow it gets funnier each and everytime he does it. i covet his simplistic outlook and embracement(is that a word??) of life....

onE hAPpy eGG coLor-Er

2007-04-10T20:40:00.000-07:00

(fyi...the blue and yellow egg was mine. i know, im that good...)

ThAt'd Be aN affiRmaTivE oN thE dEjavU

2007-04-02T20:51:00.000-07:00

dEjaVu?

2007-04-01T20:29:00.000-07:00

a cOmmOn ThrEad

2007-03-31T21:28:00.000-07:00

whats that saying, old habits die hard? maybe thats not it but i think its something along those lines. anyways, ive rediscovered a common theme in my life that goes back awhile yet hasnt sufaced in quite sometime. i may have mistaken it to have disappeared completely, but i now know that it is still alive and kicking, it just needs the perfect circumstances to emerge. this is the deal...ive got this class that is consuming to me. i hate it like ive never hated anything before. id go into the reasons why, but i dont think they'd even do justice to the amount of detest i hold inside for this particular class. its completely dreadful. did you pick up on the fact that i dont like this class? it got to the point on thursday that i called my academic advisor wanting to drop it. id rather have dropped it, maintaing my gpa and foregoing the blood and sweat that this class entails as opposed to sticking it out and failing it. on thursday, i saw these as my only two options. after being advised by my advisor (fancy how that works out) to at least stick it out through the midterm to see if i can maybe at least pass it, i decided id give it a good effort. i got a tutor and i studied as much as ive ever studied (i think) for a math class. math is hard to study for. anyways, i gave it my best knowing that if i did indeed flunk it, i wouldn't have any regrets for i had tried. and then i got people to pray, specifically for a c. id have been happy with that. and so finally, the midterm day arrived. it was today as a matter of fact. and so it was taken and the results tallied. the specific grade is not important, lets just suffice it to say that i surprised myself at the result which was substantially higher then even the c i and others had been praying for. i was shocked and a little embaressed that my stress level had been as high as it had been considering i obviously wasnt in as bad of shape as id perceieved. and then i realized the habit i spoke of earlier had once again reered its ugly head. let me insert another saying here, actually another saying im a little unsure of...when the going gets tough, the tough get going. is that it? something close? anyways, the saying is an illustration of everything im not. when things get tough, im out, or at least want out. id not go so far as to consider myself a quitter, and yet i guess without the support of others at times, i would be alot. i tend to want to bail when things (particulary school..) get hard and i get this perception that im not smart enough or i simply cant do the work that it entails. this is a pattern thats been quite apparent for the last 20 years or so of my life. i thought id conquered it, but as this latest class has proven, the tendency is indeed still there. maybe conquering it simply involves discerning it....which in this case would mean its been conquered? or perhaps i just need to get some sleep...:)

GoOd tO gO

2007-03-28T20:25:00.000-07:00

well then, what a difference a week makes. Joey and i are now proudly a part of the "official" Grandview Heights community even going so far as to have obtained official pool passes for the fast-approaching summertime season. a week ago, i was going to bed only to lay there ruminating on all of the things i had yet to do in regards to moving, schooling, parenting, working, etc. tonight, i am able to officially check off the moving section of my TO DO list. this weekend, i had moments where i wasnt so sure that id ever be able to check it off. oh, i had a stellar crew on board making the physical transition from fairview ave to oxley rd a reality. they were workhorses and perhaps made record time in moving all of my belongings from here to there, or vice versa. and yet as the crew diminished i felt this impending heaviness sinking down as i realized the amount of work encompassing the whole unpacking aspect of moving. i thought the hard part was over, and in reality it was, but then the whole woe is me, ive gotta face the rest of this alone, thoughts began to consume me and when those are combined with utter physical and emotional exhaustion, the result is a sheer hopelessness. and yet even in this self-imposed misery, i was not forgotten or alone. not in the least bit. as Sunday dawned and i began the day in tears, i received a phone call that let me know help was on the way. friends, or rather family showed up on my doorstep mid-morning offering hugs, help, and hope (sticking with the h theme..). and somehow, they turned hopelessness into hope as my house was transformed from some rooms filled with boxes into a home with (most) things in their rightful places. peace came to me as well as to our new home. i am so thankful for people, for community, for friends who've become family. i am where i am only because of them and because of a loving Father whos orchestrated all of these details accordingly. Thanks famiLY:)

JusT a liTTle sTreSSeD

2007-03-18T17:18:00.000-07:00

ive embarked on a rather stressful week and tonight i am feeling it. within the next 120 hours, i must endeavor to work 4 shifts, finish a mid-term as well as the usual cumbersome activities associated with my classes, and last but oh so not least, to move. in reality, i've not felt overloaded until this evening as i attempted to finish up some statistics and realized once again that i am completely underqualified (intelligence-wise) for this course. before that, i was fine, now i feel as if the whole world is caving in, slowly yet ever so surely. may Philippians 4:13, "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" continually be running through my head as the week continues on...

NumeRo 23..c'Est fiNie

2007-03-15T19:35:00.000-07:00

ive become quite the bi-linguist of late. actually i think the title of this post combines both Spanish and French, although im not sure of either of the spellings involved. anyhoo..the title will link you back to a little entry i wrote not even a year ago. last april 7 i blogged about one of the things that at this point i might as well consider to be a hobby...moving(i even listed all of my previous re-locations just in case you have doubts on my counts..). oh yes, i am about to embark on number 23. and ive made the decision to be done. ill not go so far as to say im done forever, because one must never make blanket statements when one is unaware of what the future might hold. but i will go so far as to say, barring anything that absolutely necessitates another move, I AM DONE. let this be heard loud and clear. I AM DONE. we'll be in a great school district. the family will not be growing anytime soon to warrent the addition of another bedroom. and besides all of the other legitimate reasons that i could list, it comes down to the fact that im just tired of moving and so i've officially retired from doing it as soon as this last one takes place. please take drastic measures if at this date next year i am re-blogging about this same subject...

eNfeRma

2007-03-14T17:46:00.000-07:00

how is it that the common cold which is so very ordinary and so very, well, common, is able to leave a person feeling absolutely miserable. i have no fever. i am not achy. i've got no stomach ailments. yet, i feel like crap. i dont feel like eating. or studying. or moving. and im tired but sleeping does not come easily as i only lay there and think about how very miserable i am and theres not one thing that i can do about it. im whining so at this point, id quit reading if i were you. i feel as though i need to keep going though because perhaps through writing about my pain i will somehow relieve some of the symptoms and thus lighten my misery. id feel much better complaining if i had like strep throat or pneumonia or something that sounds like a bigger deal then just a stupid cold. but i dont and i am still miserable and feel like wallowing in it for a bit...thank you for obliging me. i now am off to bed, or at least off to lay in my bed followed by perhaps some more wallowing:)

DoNt taLk tO Me

2007-03-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

i am angry. there are very few things that get me to the point of anger, but i am there. i hate, yes, hate, statistics and everything about it. ive spent 5 hours of my day (literally, 5 freaking hours) trying to finish this stupid assignment for this psyc stats class i have to take and i am bitter and stressed and downright angry. thus, i vent. the way they've set this little class up is not sufficient for people like me who lack any brain cells capable of comprehending anything numerical. i have no teacher. i have no lectures to watch. no powerpoint presentations. nothing. except, that is, for me and a book and its not going well. this is my first objection to the whole ordeal. secondly, i could maybe get by if i could handwrite everything out and send it to the professor but no, ive got to transcribe it onto either word or excel which is great if we're talking words and such. but charts and equations have to be documented and the whole thing is just a headache and hard and ive had it. it will be safe to talk to me again tomorrow. i should be over it by then, although at this point, maybe not...

"qUeeNiE"

2007-03-11T19:02:00.000-07:00

i spent the afternoon with the little sis (oh, and the rest of the fam..). she loves me, what can i say, i am probably one of the coolest older sisters around (that is still just wierd, older sister??). anyways, she has been coined "queenie" by my dad. im assuming because at 16 weeks, she rules the house. my nickname given to me by my dad growing up was "sport" in case you were wondering. he must have seen my athletic prowess at an early age...(yea right:) )

WeLL saiD

2007-03-11T18:30:00.000-07:00

"I am so easily satisfied

by the call of lovers so less wild

That I would take a little cash

Over your very flesh and blood "

(Derek Webb)

i was listening to this song today and i realized that it is so about my life. actually, id have to go so far as to say that if i had a theme song for my life (that be really cool if we all had theme songs...) this one would be a high candidate to be it. and the irony is that ive tasted at times the goodness of the Body and Blood and i know it to be full of the Goodness and Redemption that it promises, and yet im still enticed by those less wild lovers. and this has led me to an even greater respect for the faithfulness of our God. because i love Joey with everything i have, but when he mouths off for the 5th (or 2nd, if i can be honest) time in the same day, i feel like throwing my hands up in defeat and giving up on him. all i can think is "he'll never learn. its hopeless. blahblahblah" and ive realized that this is exactly how i would think if i were dealing with me. and yet God isn't. He's in fact quite the opposite as He tenderly accepts me back even when i "mouth off" to Him for like the 198th time. it's a faithfulness and a love that im incapable of giving or even comprehending and quite often accepting. His love is good and i keep praying that someday my heart and head will align on this truth and discontinue the search for lovers so less wild...

sErotOniN?

2007-03-09T20:41:00.000-08:00

today just had a happy feel to it. everyone was happy. friends. family. neighbors. co-workers. even my dog seemed a little more cheery today, which is hard to believe being that he constantly exudes utter bliss, but i think there was a heightened tone to it today, seriously. perhaps it was b/c the taste of spring that we experienced here in OH. put everyone in a good mood. whatever the reason, i hope it stays. that is, the happiness and the weather.

wHat A WeeK

2007-03-08T12:08:00.000-08:00

its only thursday and ive covered about every emotion known to man-kind since sunday ensued. although the spectrum began with despair i am left with joy. The prayer was prayed from Psalm 51:11 "Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me" and the prayer was answered. Albeit the confusing and conflicting emotions it took to get me here, this latest journey has only confirmed the realness of Christ's love and perhaps has even further shown me the reasons and realness of His death. Although the prayer has been cited and the result of it has been real, i still stand confused, or maybe moreso, in awe that joy really can result in what started out as an ever so hopeless situation in seeing (again..)my utter depravity. and then i realize that im awed by the ability of Christ to restore and to heal and to sustain and i realize why joy is again possible..b/c its got nothing to do with me, but everything to do with HiM! another lesson learned (or at least reiterated) is the gravity of the body of Christ. this is not some hypothetical component we're talking about. it is real. it is healing. it is accepting. it is loving. it is strength. it is beautiful. and it is mine and yours if only you let them in. God knew what He was doing when He put this little detail of His plan together and like the rest of the details, its amazing and wonderful. and thus, grace only continues in my life...

oUt Of tHE moUths Of BabEs

2007-03-05T10:14:00.000-08:00

last night after i put joey to bed i came downstairs and was just having a rough time. after awhile i heard the patter of little feet and looked up to see joey had reappeared. i couldn't hide the fact that i'd been crying and this was the first thing he noticed. he asked me what was wrong and i told him that i was just hurting because of some sin that i'd committed. he then looked at me in my eyes and said, "but mom, don't you remember that Jesus already hurt for your sins?" theres nothing much that can compare to the Gospel being preached to you by a four year old...

tO beliEve Or nOt To BelieVE???

2007-03-04T17:47:00.000-08:00

the time has come (yet again) for me to choose whether to accept the grace that has been so freely given or to deem myself below the depths of its reach. ive screwed up (yet again) in a big way. it was in the kind of way that blows any cover i'd tried to make for myself of being a "good" Christian (although it was just a cover..) and has left me in a position to be viewed as a complete and utter hypocrite. and this is fair. i made a bad decision. i have fallen. and now im left with a choice. i could choose to accept the death of Christ as sufficient for the payment of this newest atrocity i've committed or i could choose to continue to punish myself for a crime thats already been payed for. this is where grace is a hard concept to genuinly believe and receive. it is so good that it hurts. i want to grasp for it again, but i also want to "earn" my way into God's favor. and at that, im not so good at. ive let Him down. i've let myself down. yet i'll let us both down even more if i dont accept the grace in which ive claimed to believe. talk about hypocrisy, the very message that my whole belief system hinges on is a message that i struggle to personally apply towards my own life. of a belief in a hypothetical belief system, i will not be a part of. and so ill choose grace. at least at this moment ill choose grace. i know myself well enough to know inevitably this concept will be wrestled with again and again and yet with the help of those who love me most, i hope that grace will always win out...

i WaNT tO: dETest...

2007-03-02T18:14:00.000-08:00

Proverbs 15:9

"The Lord detests the way of the wicked but He loves those who pursue righteousness."

i struggle to align my heart completely with this verse. hypothetically, i concur. yet in reality, im not quite there. dont get me wrong, there is wicked out there that makes me want to puke. the grotesque stuff that you hear on the news and cant get out of your mind. i have no problem detesting those atrocitites. and yet wickedness comes dressed up sometimes. it comes looking like things that dont seem so wicked but instead entice and promise a good time. i want to detest this camo'd wickedness, but my hearts not in it at all times. i pursue righteousness (sometimes) not because i want to but because im called to. down deep, i know that the ways of the wicked won't bring the fulfillment that they seem capable of supplying. in most cases, i know this from past personal experiences. and yet they woo all the same. same empty enticements. same fleeting temptations. same desire to give in on my part. and thus, i yearn to detest. i want to detest these things so that i dont even need to waste time in weighing my options when wickedness rears its tempting cries. yet until this detestment occurs, i will attempt continuing in righteousness even when my heart may yearn (on a surface level) for something else. for this is what we're called to and my guess is that the One who has called us to do so is more then capable of catching a heart up to the head as one seeks to fulfill His will...

iT neVer RaiNS, yeT alWayS pOuRS

2007-02-28T19:55:00.000-08:00

does anyone else ever feel this way? i certainly have my days where i definently lean in this direction more then the other, and today is one of them. i'm trying to figure out what seems to be the difference amongst us all in relation to stress levels and the inducing factors which bring it on. there has got to be some rhyme or reason as to why some people float through life in this little bubble and consider it traumatic when they encounter a hangnail while others, such as myself, seem to attract stress. there is certainly a difference to be made here. there are what i refer to as drama-seekers who can find drama in any circumstance known to man. there is also the category of people who can't seem to escape from drama, no matter how they may seek shelter from its all-encompassing scope. and this is why it always feels like its pouring. for it is. there is always something waiting just around the corner. in the midst of a moment which may seem tranquil and "normal" if you will, one must know that in reality, they are probably only experiencing the eye of the most current storm and that chaos is only moments away from imparting its stressful scenarios back into their lives once again. i guess maybe this keeps life interesting... im looking for a positive spin on this one, and im sure to have one tomorrow as i don't typically stay trapped in this mindset for long. but for now, it pours.

anNoyiNG

2007-02-26T12:56:00.000-08:00

i am very annoyed right now. frustrated and annoyed. ok, the background: im in this theology class (yes, another one. they are required, if you're wondering..) and we've got these discussion boards we're required to participate in. no big deal. we read these articles, critique them and give our own personal conclusions and then its open discussion. well our last article was on hell which really is not even pertinent to the story other then it gives you an idea of the context of which we were discussing. so, im reading this post by this guy who is going on and on about these experiences he's had regarding the entire concept of hell. they began in his childhood sunday school classes where the teacher basically used this fear-technique in trying to get children to respond to accepting Christ by teaching the atrocities of hell. then he talked about this sermon he'd heard and i wont mention any names but it was preached(?) by the founder of Liberty University...any guesses? now, i speak from second-hand knowledge, i wasn't there and therefore did not physically HEAR what was said, but from the sounds of it, it was a grown up version of this guy's earlier sunday school experience. this is what annoys me. i feel as if certain churches, predominatly one's in the South, since this is where i was raised and hence have formed my opinion, try to portray Christianity as this ticket to get out of the fire and brimstone known as hell. they try to scare people (as well as little people) into believing in Christ. this disturbs me. primarily because grace is such a good thing. its transforming in and of itself, there is no need for scare tactics to "trick" people into believing this good news. secondly, this gives Christians a bad name. certainly hell is a real place and our hearts should be in a position that want to save others from its reality. yet true belief is only going to be accomplished in others who've experienced love, not experienced fear. and maybe this is a misread on my part. i am just personally opposed to this way of getting people into the realm of Christ's love. opposed and annoyed.

gLuttoNy...

2007-02-25T19:42:00.001-08:00

guilty. there are specific times of the year where i admit i am a downright glutton. ok, well if we're being honest there are probably a couple days a month where i could be categorized as being this way, but these can all be blamed on hormones. but, there are certain times of the year where i dive right into the practice of gorging myself to the point of wanting to puke. and these little episodes typically surround very specific food objects, usually somehow tied to a certain holiday or celebration. for example, valentine's day. those little conversational hearts somehow woo me until i've eaten like 3 bags and my teeth seem like they've rotted overnight. Christmas brings all kinds of delicacies with it of which i am well aware of my inability to turn any of them down. but hands down, my biggest downfall regarding tasty tempations has recently landed in stores everywhere. mini cadbury eggs. for those of you who are not aware of these scrumptious little treats, they are not what might come to mind. they do not contain that creamy, milky middle that their bigger counterparts do. oh no, they are much better. so, they have this like candy shell filled wiht milk chocolate. thats it. simple. yet incredible. and i can't handle them, at least with any bit of self control. i am usually able to ward off temptation until about a week or so before Easter actually comes, and then at least i know they'll be off the store shelves before i can do major damage. yet this year could be ugly. a friend, knowing my love for these tasty treats, picked me up a bag while doing her latest grocery shopping. good intentions. bad idea. ok, so its feb. 25th. i believe easter is apr. 8. lets do the math, and this doesn't add up to paint a pretty picture. ive had my first bag of mini cadbury eggs for less then 5 hours, and they are nearly halfway gone. an intervention may be in my near future, i may well need one.

LeT's bLog, sHall We?

2007-02-25T19:24:00.000-08:00

after taking a little vacay, or something like that, from the world of blogging, i was approached on two seperate occasions today by two seperate people who encouraged the rebirth of 'my beautiful mess.' after the first recommendation i realized that i'd just plain forgotten about the blog and all that it entails and that re-connecting to it might be a good idea, as well as another excellent source of procrastination when ive got something pertinent due for school. the second mention of my negligence in posting here re-lit the passion that i once held for this little project of mine. ok, so passion is an overstatement, but i did decide to re-commit myself to writing here every once in awhile. no promises, this may be the only post for the next 3 months or you may get a an onslaught of them. who knows? my life is certainly still beautiful, but indeed messy and therefore i make no predictions. but im here, right now and thus, i blog. i have some more things to say, but i will carry them into seperate posts, so it looks like i've not been as negligent as in fact i have:) thats it.

MisSioN acCompliSHeD

2006-12-19T21:13:00.000-08:00

toysrus.com i won:)

a ChriSTmaS wISh

2006-12-19T20:44:00.000-08:00

this is what i get for waiting until i only have 6 days left to start my CHristmas shopping. joey wants a trumpet. this isn't one of those, "i saw one on a commercial and i want it but ill forget about it by tomorrow" type of thing. oh no, he's hard core about wanting a trumpet. its been about 2 months of consistency as far as answering "a trumpet" when asked what he wants for Christmas. i thought he'd outgrow it. forget about it. decide on soemthing else. but no, if anything, his passion only keeps on growing for this trumpet. by the way, how many four year olds ask for this at Chrismastime? i dont think i even knew what a trumpet was when i was four. anyways, i've looked. and then i've looked at some other places. in fact, i even went so far as to gander over to the local Walmart, and i detest this store. yet i keep striking out. they've got kid guitars. and kid drums. and kid violens. and they even had a kids harp. but no freaking trumpet. i've but two more options to look into tomorrow on the hunt for this instrument that im really not even sure i want in my house. but i guess this is just another one of those things that happens once you've had a kid...i am bound and determined to find this thing, not because i particularly like trumpets(i dont) but because i love that little puker (oh yea, the last 3 nights...) so much and i just want to see him excited, if only for the 30 seconds following him opening it up. because after that, im sure it will become like every other toy...forgotten or lost.

it'S fReakIN' FRigiD!

2006-12-04T11:20:00.000-08:00

all we need now is snow..come on already!

whAt a GoObeR...

2006-11-30T20:28:00.000-08:00

note: these gloves that he is so proudly displaying were in fact his birthday gift to me. he picked them out, wrapped them, the whole nine yards. and then he took them. i've been 26 for nearly 2 weeks and have yet to wear these things. they apparently resemble a green version of spiderman's gloves, and thus have been used as such since there confiscation. i guess it was the thought that counts and besides, they look better on him anyways;)

hUH?

2006-11-30T19:34:00.000-08:00

ok. what im about to say, or write, (or blog, if you will) may not make a bit of sense to some people and thats ok. im never sure if anything i write makes sense until after i go back to re-read it, and then sometimes i still don't know. i'm not even sure yet what my point is going to be, i just know that i've been disturbed about things that are completely subjective in their contexts and by no means should my thoughts be thought of as right because i know that they are not. but they are mine and thus the reasoning that i share them with you:)
anyways, for one of my classes i just had to write a paper on what exactly the sin of Ham (remember him, in Genesis, his dad Noah..) was. I remembered the story going into it, his dad got drunk and he went in and saw him blahblahblah. but as i was researching it, i came across this article that goes into all these details pointing towards the fact that Ham's true sin was in all likelihood an act of maternal rape. im not trying to dispute this issue whatsoever, for i am obviously no Biblical scholar, but as i was reading this article, it went on to point out the symbolic similarities between the Flood and the Creation story, one of them being the underlying sexual connotations underpinning the serpent's temptation of Eve and the later rape of Noah's wife. it then went on to point out all of these lewd sexual sins committed in the Old Testament and pretty much alluded to the sexual underlinings throughout the entire Bible. as i said before, im not, actually i cant argue yay or nay about any of these specific topics but it just made me sick to my stomach a little. im not really sure why, exactly, but it did. maybe its because it seems like sex is so pervasive in today's society and to some it has been taught to be quite a disgusting and dirty ordeal and then those attitudes seem to be reaffirmed over and over again. alot of times it seems like thats all that a guy wants in a girl, and this seems to have been the case alot during the Biblical ages as well. i know this isn't the whole story, i know this. but it feels this way sometimes, to me, maybe not to anyone else, but to me, so that makes it valid in a subjective kind of way, correct? in conclusion, i still haven't figured out what my point is exactly except that i know it is impossible to completely eradicate sexual immorality and yet i pray that it might soon be eradicated in my little corner of the world.

"thE iSneSs Of tHe ShAll bE"

2006-11-30T13:04:00.000-08:00

"In the face of fear and uncertainty,

the faithful remnant...remain agents of hope

in what theologian Oscar Cullman

calls the 'isness of the shall be.' "

Brennan Manning- The Wisdom of Tenderness

AleXandRa kAtiLYn fOrd "aLLie"

2006-11-13T19:51:00.000-08:00

welcome little sis!

aN aLL AmeRicaN fAmiLy (A La 2o06)

2006-11-12T19:31:00.000-08:00

it was not so very long ago that i felt rather out of place amongst my peers with regards to my family of origin. it seemed as though i was completely outnumbered when it came to having a family which was still intact, by that i mean a mom and a dad (the original one's..) who were still married. in fact, from what ive heard, we were pretty much a poster family for the 1950's definition of such..a mom, a dad, 2 kids,and a dog (we never had a white picket fence which i think is included in the original meaning of the word, ours was wooden). there were times, in my immature adolescent mindset where i was almost embarressed that my parents were still married, just cuz it wasn't the norm, and i was all about being like everyone else (please dont judge...i had alot of adolescent stupidity moments and thoughts, i dont know where my mind was for about 3 or 4 years ). when i developed a little, mentally speaking, and realized that it was actually a real treasure in this day and age to have a family that still contained all of its original members, they switched it up on me. a divorce ensued and i became like "everyone" else who no longer had parents that were together. and that was that. and yet things did not stay that way for long. oh no, why would they? pretty soon i found myself with a new stepmom and 2 little step brothers. good things. a little bizarre at first, considering my brother and i had been grown and out of the house for quite some time, but exciting no less. and then it became even more bizarre, and yet actually more normal the more i've thought about it. there are some pretty crazy family situations these days no doubt. as sad as it is, untraditional families seem to be outnumbering the traditional ones, which makes mine completely normal:) so, as of tomorrow, 2 days before my 26th birthday mind you, i will have a brand new baby sister! how cool is that? i think its even cooler that Joey will have an aunt that is 4 years younger then him...ha! its crazy indeed, but here in 2006, anything seems to pass as normal, which is what ive always strived to be...here's to normalcy and little sis's:)

An eND in sIGht (eXtreMely DisTant, buT theRe No LesS..)

2006-11-06T14:20:00.000-08:00

up until this past week, i had just about given up the hope of ever being done with school. and im not talking school as in some people out there who just keep going because they love it and after 20 years of higher education they have like 8 doctorate degrees and still yearn to go back to whole the educational scene. no, i mean i'd relinquished all hope of simply earning my undergrad in less then two decades. it just wasnt working out for me to advance school-wise in any kind of timely manner. so i made the choice to accept that and as every new semester rolled around i tried to make the best of the fact that i didnt seem to be getting anywhere. so then, a couple of nights ago, i was doing my registration for next semester's classes. as i checked off the newest set of classes on my little "degree plan" i realized that im halfway done with my undergraduate courseload. this was monumental to me. even though it seems like ive been in and out of school for ever, in reality because this is my 3rd (yes, 3rd...) college, ive lost credits trying to transfer them, and then ive had moments of stupidity where ive dropped classes (once i dropped 4 of them at once after being 2/3 of the way done with them) here and there and then with this whole distance learning program ive been in, they've had extensions(which they have now done away with, thank goodness...) that i've purchased which add an extra 2 months to each semester and yadiyadi ya..the point being, progression has been slow. very slow. i kick myself everytime i hear "so and so just graduated from Georgia State" and realize that they used to be people i babysat (well, not really, but it seems like that sometimes, and it wont be long, im sure before that starts happening). i know it could be worse, i could be 50 doing this, but most days i felt as though id still be doing this at 50. so, anyways, im halfway there, and because i like to try and be a glass half full type of person, im siked! who cares that im going to need a master's to do anything productive with a psych degree, at least i can see light at the end of this long, long tunnel that houses my educational career.

cOoL DudE

2006-11-05T19:33:00.000-08:00

Brett dennen..he's my new fav. well, not brand new. danny told me about him a month or so ago and the more i listen to this guy, the more i love him. its all the better when you get a visual before you hear him. because its only then that it makes any sense listening to his music.. his face fits:) check brett out

SpeCulatiONs

2006-11-02T13:07:00.000-08:00

so, i've made some observations. speculations, if you will. they aren't necesarily recent, yet last night i realized the validity of what i'd already pre-supposed. let me explain: musically, i'm a lyric person. if set to the right melody, the words of a song can make me cry which is a feat in and of itself for those that know me well. anyways, a couple of years ago i began to realize that a ton of songs involve themes surrounding love, specifically romantic love. this is no new news, love has been written about since the onset of language. but at this particular time of my life, i was beginning to experience the ramifactions of God's love in my life and so love for me was taking on a whole new understanding. it was (and is) fantastic. so i began to listen to all of these "love" songs with new meaning and found that most of them can be directly correlated to one's relationship with God. sometimes a few words needed to be switched around or changed, but the general gist of it applied to both types of love and when applied to one's relationship with God, the words, for me at least, became even more meaningful...one in particular was a song by Rascal Flatts...read these lyrics and tell me that they dont directly describe the lives of so many Christians, including me...

Rascal Flatts - Bless The Broken Road Lyrics

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

change a couple of phrases around and you just read a brief summary of my life and im sure many other Christians, and these were the thoughts i had when this first hit the charts. so, bringing it back to last night...im on my way home from somewhere and am listening to the Christian radio station (which i admit i was once a regular listener, but im not anymore, i promise:)...) and guess what song comes on? yup, this one, sung by some sappy, "Christian" sounding singer (somehow you can just tell most of the time by their voice that they sing Christian music..yea? maybe its just me...) who in no way gave it as good a rendition as my boys, but still, my speculations proved to be correct! good things.

TriCk oR tReAT

2006-10-31T18:08:00.000-08:00

how cute are they???

cArviNG puMPkiNs

2006-10-31T09:16:00.000-08:00

come on, at least give me an A for effort...i tried

beAutY

2006-10-31T06:03:00.000-08:00

iRrItatED

2006-10-30T08:06:00.000-08:00

i hate automated phone system thingies..whatever they are called. i know i havent written in this blog forever and this is a lame subject to have a comeback with, but I need to vent. why cant you just talk to anyone these days when you need help? every issue that you have with anything in this world these days sends you to an 800 number that is answered by nothing but a stupid computer. and then after talking to this annoying automated voice for a freaking hour you finally get through to an operater who low and behold, can't get to your call for another 43 minutes. and then, after all of this you finally get to talk to a real live human being and oh my gosh, you've gotten a hold of the wrong department and they are "sorry for your inconvienence" but cant do anything except transfer you to another number where you have to go trhough the entire process once again. i miss the days of old..real people at the other end of the line. this whole computer generation is over rated and quite honestly, it pisses me off. aight.. now i feel better:)

liFe

2006-09-30T11:47:00.000-07:00